Tag: parenthood

Sometimes I Wish I Was Gay

Published on by Matt2 Comments

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I’ve always tried to be myself throughout my life.  Of course that wasn’t always easy due to that little word, “repression.”  But overall I think I have done a pretty good job at least surviving some of those milestones.  I survived elementary school expressing my love and devotion for Whitney.  I survived middle school.  Lawd, we ALL survived middle school.  I survived high school exploring my interests in musicals and band and hanging out with friends.  I survived college…..lawd sometimes I wonder how I survived college.  I did it mostly staying true to who I was or trying to figure it all out.  I unabashedly loved *NSync and Celine and still, Whitney.  I did it dancing at bars and making mixed tapes and reading Entertainment Weekly and kind of dating girls, but exploring affection for boys too.  And I’ve survived 15 years of adulthood here in Chicago exploring me and trying to figure it all out.

One of the greatest gifts I have given myself is allowing me to live my life.  Although society has certainly played a role in shaping who I am and trying to keep me a “man” by design, I was designed different and thank the LAWD for that.  Last weekend I was at my good friend’s birthday party.  It had a dance floor, 3 gays, and a lot of beautiful women.  There were a lot of moments, like free style dancing to Journey’s “Separate Ways”, two of us boys jumping into the windows during a rendition of “Out Tonight” from RENT(musical people, you get it), and just a lot of fancy, wild, FREEDOM of dance.  While we were all doing that, another friend was at a table and a guy there said, as he looked at the amazing time we were having on the dance floor, “Sometimes I wish I was gay.”  I wonder, is he saying that he wishes he was out there dancing up a storm because there are so many beautiful women?  Or is he saying that because we were just being wild and free and not caring what society says about it?  I tend to believe it is the latter.  Society really sucks sometimes when it teaches men how “real” men should act.  I feel lucky because I have almost always been able to be me.  I’ve always had friends and family who have allowed me to dance like a fool on the dance floor at a wedding or at the bar.  Last spring I was at a bar in Chicago and it was 80s/90s night and right when we walked in Whitney played, then Janet, then Mariah.  It was amazing and we were dancing like no one was watching. I’m pretty much always dancing like no one is watching.  It was SO fun and we were all sweaty fools.  I noticed some twenty somethings laughing, pointing, and taking photos.  Oh, youth! They only wish they could be as free as us thirty somethings who know how to Say YES to Life without feeling bad or ashamed.

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It just speaks to how our society sends messages to our youth.  I wish more men were able to watch some crazy fun gay guys and think, “man I wish I felt comfortable out there.”  More than anything else, I invite them to dance up a storm, get out there. Release a little of that “how a man is supposed to act” feeling and let loose on the dance floor men!  If you are raising boys, let them explore their interests.  Let them know, leading by example, that it’s ok to dance like no one is watching!

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I’m clear.  I’m courageous.  I can.

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Tonight in yoga my instructor started with an intention, “I’m clear.  I’m courageous.  I can.”  It really resonated with me as I pondered this blog post.  As I mentioned above, I have survived to age 38 fairly unscathed with society’s standards for men and how we should act.  Luckily as a kid, in 1987, my dad introduced the American Music Awards to me.  He saw it listed in the television guide in the paper.  We had just gotten our first VCR.  “You should tape this award show tonight.  You might like it.” It was the night Whitney won award after award after award, 5 total, for her Whitney Houston debut album.  That was the night I fell in love with her.  Of course there were times as a teen I wanted to scream, “I LOVE YOU JORDAN KNIGHT!” but instead I felt I couldn’t, rather I littered my bedroom walls with Paula Abdul BOP Magazine pictures.  There were times in college that I really wanted to cuddle with boys, instead I did what society taught and cuddled with girls(like a few times-don’t get crazy). What comes with age, hopefully, is wisdom and clarity. Finally around age 26 I had the clarity to accept my homosexuality.

Certainly throughout my life I faced challenges that prepared me for this life.  My mom taught me to be courageous at the young age of 8 when it was realized in 2nd grade that I did not know how to read.  Elementary school worked itself out, but when I hit sixth grade it took me hours nightly to complete my homework.  Due to my dad traveling heavily for work, my mother was home alone with my brother and me a lot.  I just remember her picking me up from home after working all day, racing across town to get my allergy shot.  Other nights she had to take my brother to various sports practices.  She always made dinner, cleaned up, and managed to keep my ADD in check as I would spend hours doing my homework, much of the time sitting by my side.  In my line of work I know so many parents who are not willing to take the time to be a PARENT.  Luckily for me, my mother did and through it all, taught me how to be courageous. That certainly has served me academically, professionally, and personally in my life.

I didn’t always feel like I could be myself growing up.  My parents did their best to support me and my varied interests without making me feel guilty or shame.  Though he teased me in many other ways, my brother never made me feel bad about my interests in watching hours of Star Search, award shows, pageants, or taping hours of Whitney Houston coverage on television. But still, I didn’t always feel that I could put my “shows” on in public or in our living room. I always knew I had a safe place at home, but even there I sometimes hid in the basement to create solo dance shows or other acting/performing shenanigans. What I learned growing up in my house, never through direct conversation, mostly just through experience, was that “I can.”  I can watch award shows and Miss Universe and it’s ok.  I can be successful and complete my academic work.  It might have taken me four hours a night, but I could do it.  “I’m clear.  I’m courageous.  I can.”

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What I know now is that society has certain rules and standards and roles that it tries to get girls and boys to follow. Depending on where children are raised, how they are raised, and by whom they are raised has an incredible impact on who they are as an adult member of the same society that “raised” them.  It takes courageous parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, teachers, neighbors, and all the rest of society to allow our kids to explore their interests, out in the open, without judgement, ridicule, or expectation.

Learning to Love Yourself

I am profoundly grateful that I am gay.  It has allowed me to not follow the rules and to be different.  It has allowed me to not follow the norms set before my male peers.  Being gay has allowed me to buck society.  It hasn’t always been easy, but growing up isn’t for anyone.  It hasn’t always been accepted, but not everything a child does ever is.  Whether it was the family who raised me or the mostly kind people I grew up with or whether it came from within me, I think I turned out kind of alright. Luckily for me, I have never thought, “Sometimes I wish I was straight.”

Say YES to Life!                 

Profoundly Grateful

Published on by Matt1 Comment

Thank you Heart

I am profoundly grateful and thankful that my parents did not make me play sports as a kid.

Growing up in Portage, MI, a town of about 50,000 people in Southwest Michigan, boys played sports.  You went to the AYSO or South Portage Little League sign up on Saturday morning, picked up your box of World’s Finest Chocolate bars to sell, and you were a “member” of the stereotypical boy club.  I guess the next step of membership was getting your uniform.  To me that was the best part!  I fondly remember my AYSO soccer uniform, white on one side and navy on the other.  Reversible!  Fancy!  Though my storied sports career only spanned two seasons, fall for soccer and spring for t-ball, when I was 7 or 8 years old, I’m glad my parents had me try it out and I’m thankful beyond measure that they didn’t make me continue.

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I was recently at a training workshop and the ice breaker the first morning was a name game.  It was that morning that I actually got the idea for this post.  We were to tell the story behind our name.  The name game that day was very different from the name game the first day of acting class when I was 8 or 9 years old, but it took me right back to that place.  It was a very excited and grateful place because my parents found something else for me to try, acting!!  Let’s be real, I’m not sure why that wasn’t the first thing they suggested I do.  Look how natural the microphone(or a wooden spoon as a mic) are in my hand as a child.  Please also note the fashionista in training with suspenders and then THOSE shorts coupled with cowboy boots!  I know for sure that I got that microphone and the boots for my 5th birthday!  It was my GOLDEN Birthday!

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But I remember that acting class fondly.  I remember that I chose the monkey to represent me.  We had to choose an animal that started with the first letter of our name.  I remember doing face painting and improvisation and all sorts of other fun acting things.  Man, I was far more suited for that type of thing than sports.  Organizing oranges for halftime at soccer and picking grass were my favorite things to do.  I can remember begging my soccer coach not to put me in.  I hated it.  And for baseball my mom and dad tell stories of being afraid I’d get hit in the head with a fly ball because I was out in the outfield, sitting down, playing with the grass.  Was it my ADD or my hatred of sports?  Either way, I had better things to do.

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XOXO to my Mom and Dad for their love and support.  You are the best!

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What I know for sure is that in high school I was able to find my “club” in marching band.  I loved those days. I loved band camp and Wednesday night rehearsals.  Arriving early on Wednesday nights was common just so I could socialize with others.  Looking back, finding a place, a group I fit in with was huge in my development.  So was playing soccer and baseball and going to acting class.  Every experience we have in life points us in the direction of where we need to go.  We definitely do not see it at the time, but take a moment to look back on the fun times, the hard times, the crazy times, the dark times and think about it.  Are you where you are now because of something that came out of those times?  I bet the answer is yes.  Although it wasn’t the social norm, I am where I am today because I chose not to play football after school, rather I went to a neighbor girls house and put roller skating and flag shows together to be performed in her garage.  I remember riding my bike so fast past my childhood best friend’s house where the football game was going on, hoping no one would see me.  The boys in my neighborhood could probably have cared less, they were great guys who always treated me well, but they knew I had different interest.  And that is what I’m talking about here.  Had my mom and dad not picked up on my varied interests and put me in an acting class at age 9, would I have had the confidence at age 13 to say, “no, I’m not playing football with you guys, I’m going to go put a show together”?  The answer is probably no.

My parents never told me I couldn’t play dress up, although my mom’s old majorette skirt disappeared at age 4 and I’m still sad about that! One of my first memories was scouring, SCOURING the house in search of that skirt.  I used to love dancing around to Barbara Mandrell.

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The infamous skirt and I’m pretty sure that is a microphone in my hand and oh yes, gym socks!!

But isn’t it crazy that even at age 4 I knew I wasn’t supposed to do that and I never asked where the skirt disappeared to.  My parents never stopped me from laying in front of the stereo on Sunday mornings listening to four hours of American Top 40 or watching Star Search on Saturday AND Sunday(the same episode twice).  We got a family VCR for Christmas in 1986.  My dad actually suggested that, “you might like to tape this show, Miss USA, tonight.”  See Dad, you knew something even back when I was 10.  He’s to credit for my vast pageant knowledge from 1987-1997.   I can’t tell you how many people I scare with that knowledge, or connect with actually.  Who knows what all the little things we pick up on along the way do for our development, but I’m certain that although I felt like I had to hide a lot of my interests growing up, my house was always a safe space to express myself.  I so deeply believe that parents are just trying their best to raise decent human beings who can flourish in this world.  Thank you Mom and Dad for allowing me to take my own path.  At 38, I think I’m flourishing!