It’s 2015-Yes it is! I try to take the opportunity every January to think about the upcoming year. The hopes I have. The dreams I have. The opportunities I have. I picked up this candle from Bath and Body Works over the holidays. Three things drew me to it. First, the scent of saffron and redwood. Second, the glitter and sparkles. Most importantly, the saying, “Be Daring.” How can I live my life in 2015 by being Daring?
Adventure seeker is certainly a proper description for me. I’ve bungee jumped off a bridge in Zimbabwe.
Is 2015 the year I skydive?
As I’ve been thinking about the upcoming year my focus has been more on daring to hope more, love more, and live more fully. I am blessed to live pretty large right now, but there has to be more. I never really expected to start my blog in 2014, but it just sort of came together one fateful day in May. Falling in love was not something I expected to happen in 2014, but I certainly hoped for it. Running my fourth marathon in 2014 isn’t something I expected…ok, I did expect to do that. But I didn’t expect to have the amazing cheer crew chasing me all 26.2 miles. I certainly did not expect to participate in the Gay Games 9 in Cleveland, but I met a boy, he suggested I participate, so I did. That was daring. That was risky. That was one of the best, unexpected times of 2014 and of my life.
What unexpected things do you HOPE happen in 2015? There is that word that I love so much. HOPE. There have been so many times in my life that hope got me through, but I had to dare to hope. Granted, I’m typically a glass half full type of thinker, but there have moments and times when I’ve thought, “Screw hope, it doesn’t work.” Yet, if that is my attitude, where does that get me?
The past is behind you. You cannot change that. What are you going to hope for in 2015?
Dare to love more in 2015. Can I tell you something? Love is awesome. Being in love is awesome. Love can also suck, but when you find yourself in the sucky part of love, what I know for sure is that you’ve got to love more. Promise me, if you haven’t found love in your heart, keep going; keep loving more until you do. Share more love with your friends. Share more love with your family. And always, always love yourself more. I dare to love waking up at 5:30 a.m. Ok, that’s never going to happen, but one can always hope, right?
Live your best life in 2015. It’s the beginning of a new year with new opportunities. What does living life mean to you? To me, most importantly, is to live my best life on a daily basis. I think I’m typically successful which means getting up, working, working out, yoga, and spending time with my friends and my boyfriend over dinner, good wine, and conversation and laughs. That is a full day and I am blessed to spend most of my days that way. I dare to live more in 2015 and not wish away time. Time is precious. Although here in Chicago winter is typically cold and snowy, I’m going to try not to wish away winter, and time, until Spring. I dare to live more. In 2014 my friend Sarah and I dared to live more by organizing monthly happy hours to get people out of their routines and neighborhoods. Weekly slow cooker suppers with friends? Dinner parties to get everyone out of the house in January, February, and March? Game nights? More Happy Hours? TRAVEL! I am blessed to travel as much as I can and I plan on exploring new places in 2015! How are you going to dare to live more in 2015?
So what is all of this hope, love, live, dare stuff? It is all choice. Man, each and every one of us has the opportunity each day to hope and love and live and dare to dream, all we have to do is make the choice to DO IT! Get out there and seek something that is important to you, something that is new or maybe it’s something that you have longed for, just find the hope to continue your journey.
I feel blessed that I can wake up each day and make the choice to make it a good day or a bad day. Now as an adult, one of my favorite memories of growing up with my dad is when he used to drop me off at school in 6th – 8th grade. He would always say, as I was getting out of the car, “Make it a good day, son.” I would roll my eyes, slam the door and run into school. What I know now, that I did not understand then, is that I do have a choice each day to make it a good day. Sure, major unexpected things can happen like bad hair or minor, a stressful phone call, but how we choose to react is within our power. So I try not to think in terms of “have a good day” rather, “make it a good day.” And that, I guess, is what this life is all about. Choosing to hope when you just can’t seem to find faith. And choosing to love even though love has hurt you before. Choosing to live each day even when it is zero degrees out and the alarm is blaring at 5:30 a.m. And most of all, choosing to Be Daring when sometimes your mind thinks you’re foolish. Get out there to Ride Your Wave In 2015 and seek what you dream of and what you hope for in life. Be Daring and Say YES to Life!
Every year at this time I sit down to reflect on the past year. It all started several years ago when I read about Joni Mitchell putting together a CD of songs she liked from the year and songs that meant something to her. Ever since I have done the same.
I just reread My List 2013. Wow, what a dark year 2013 was and what a dark place I was in one year ago. 2013 started off great and 2014 ended in a fantastic way. The middle 12 months of 2013-2014 weren’t great, but the best news is that I survived! My List 2013 was pretty much about the darkness I was experiencing at the time. Songs like “Suitcase” by Emeli Sande-
“If you must kill me then please, please tell me why.” “I can’t stop my heart from leaving through the door.”
And every single lyric from Paloma Faith’s “New York”-
“He left me for another lady. She stood so tall and she never slept. He left me for another lady.” “Her name was New York, New York. And she took his heart away oh my. She had poisoned his sweet mind.”
But there was light and release in Nina Simone’s gorgeous “Everything Must Change.
“Everything must change. Nothing stays the same. Everyone will change. No one, no one stays the same.”
“There are not many things in life one can be sure of, except rain comes from the clouds, sun lights up the sky, hummingbirds fly. Winter turns to spring. A wounded heart will heal. Oh, but never much too soon. No one, and nothing goes unchanged.”
“Everything must change.”
—
In 2014, so much did change. I lost the love of one of my best friends. I got back on my feet and felt the love of friends, old and new. I gained love like I have never known before from a man who says what he feels and means what he says. The love I have felt this year is like no other love I have felt in my life. He is generous and so kind, sassy and so fancy, loving beyond imagine. The second half of 2014 has certainly changed for the better; much much better!
—
Heaven – Beyoncé
“Heaven couldn’t wait for you, so go on, go home.”
On December 31, 2013 we lost one of the best souls I knew, a legend in our own time, my friend Lesley. Those who knew her can remember her laugh, snarky remarks followed by a cackle, her wit, her generosity, and her love. When you met Lesley you instantly felt her warmth and her care. Lesley was my weeknight dinner buddy, travel roomie, fellow Spartan, and one of my closest confidants. She is so dearly missed.
My favorite Webs story goes like this:
The Ladies (my girlfriends) were sitting around reflecting on weddings. Pretty much everyone was married now except Lesley and me. Lesley, “I have to say, I was pretty lucky in brides maid dresses. You guys picked good ones.”
Amy: Well Matty is left.
Lesley: Matty would never make me wear ANYTHING ugly.
I miss you every day Lesley. Love.
Jealous – Beyoncé
I just love this song. That is all and that is why it made my list.
Oh and last winter SUCKED! The snow! The cold! The SNOW! There was one night in February that I went over to my friend Dennis’s condo and we intended to have a few drinks, order dinner, then head out to the bars. We had a few drinks. We ordered dinner. Then, we proceeded to sing and dance to Beyonce’s then new album until 2 a.m. Yes, it was a blast!
“I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer….”
Questions – Jon McLaughlin
“She’s asking a question, oh how will it be, after this next one eventually leaves me? How can a man be all that they say? All that I know is that men run away. I think I lose a little bit of me in every man that I see.”
In February I met a guy I liked. We seemed to connect. As I started to date again I was very honest with guys, “If you have any plans of moving away from Chicago, don’t date me.” This particular guy, “Oh no, I just moved back here to be with my family.” When the topic of New York City came up, “Oh I lived there when I was 24. It was great, but I’ve done that.” Six weeks later he moved….to New York City.
—
April 27, 2014
I had dinner with a friend I met through my ex. She told me he had a new boyfriend. Enough. Enough!
—
Heart of the Matter – India.Arie
This is a stunning, stunning song.
“I got the call today I didn’t want to hear, but I knew that it would come. An old true friend of ours was talking on the phone. She said you found someone.”
“I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it’s about forgiveness….forgiveness….even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.
Right to Be Wrong – Joss Stone
Remember Joss Stone from around 2002? She was going to be huge, the first Adele, but she never quite caught on here in the States. This past year I rediscovered my love of Joss and her debut album, Mind, Body, & Soul.
“Got a right to be wrong, so just leave me alone. Got a right to be wrong. I’ve been held down too long. I’ve got to break free so I can finally breathe. Got a right to be wrong. Got to sing my own song. I might be singing out of key, but it sure feels good to me. Got a right to be wrong, so just leave me alone.”
Grateful – Rita Ora
Life challenges us. We get up each day and realistically have no idea what may be put before us. What I know for sure is that through the last year and a half of learning from life, I’m grateful for the wisdom that has been bestowed on me by life. I would never wish emotional pain on anyone. It is awful and much more painful than physical trauma. At some of my darkest days the summer of 2013 I could barely get out of bed.
Now on the other side I can see all the experiences in life that I have been afforded because my past didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. I’m in such a better place personally. I have learned so much about my own strength. I am grateful for the life experiences in 2014 for they made me a better ME; A stronger ME; A ME who understands his worth and is not willing to compromise it for anyone.
“But I had to fall, yeah, to rise above it all. I’m grateful for the star, made me appreciate the sun. I’m grateful for the wrong ones; made me appreciate the right ones. I’m grateful for the pain, for everything that made me break. I’m thankful for all my scars, ‘cause they only made my heart grateful, grateful, grateful, grateful, grateful.”
Break Free (feat. Zedd) – Ariana Grande
This was the summer of Ariana. She’s been around over a year or so, but never broke into the pop arena like she did this past summer with “Break Free”, “Problems”, and “Bang Bang”. Is she the new pop diva?
“This is the part when I say I don’t wanna, I’m stronger than I’ve been before. This is the part when I break free cause I can’t resist it no more.”
Maps – Maroon 5
Last year’s List was filled with Maroon 5. They have a way of writing the perfect heartbreak anthem. This year I give you just one.
“Maps” is pure pop. Maroon 5 continues to write lyrics to speak to my life. There was a time I did not like them (“This Love” era), but that time is well over. They keep producing fantastic pop music. It’s just catchy and fun to sing!
“But I wonder where were you when I was at my worst, down on my knees.”
I Luh You Papi – Jennifer Lopez
As spring was turning to summer, my spirit had rebounded and this song was such a fun one to sing in the car. I have a co-worker whose maiden name was Pape (pronounced Pa-pi) so it was a fun June song to sing as we were getting ready for summer break and the adventures to be had in July and August.
Here It Comes (feat. Rick Smith) – Emeli Sandé
In late spring I got a Facebook message from a high school friend Dana, who I hadn’t seen in over 19 years. She was going to be in Chicago and wondered if I wanted to get together for a drink. I said of course. As I was riding the train downtown my friend Sarah texted me and said something along the lines of, “I can’t believe you are meeting up with Dana. You haven’t seen her in over 19 years.” My response, “I’m saying yes to life.” Right then and there my blog started in my head, www.sayyestolifeblog.com. I met with Dana and we both quickly went through 19 years of life. Then we settled in on relationships, the ups, the downs, the good , the bad, the joy, the sorrow, the clarity, the uncertainty. Dana encouraged me to turn my #100HappyDays Instagram posts into a blog. All in one 3-hour period of time on a May evening, my blog was started. From creating the title on the train ride down to meet Dana was the final encouragement that I needed. It all started then and there.
A week later Dana sent me this song, “Here It Comes”.
“Here it comes.” **DRUMS** Anthem! As I charge into my new life, a year after heartbreak, a new man emerges.
How Long Will I Love You – Ellie Goulding
Sometime in the spring this song was played as a cool down during yoga. Yoga was such an inspiration to me in 2014. Each day I practiced brought me closer to understanding and finding peace in my heart. I fell in love with the lyrics and the message at the end of this song. When I started my blog, www.sayyestolifeblog.com, I knew what my description would be.
“How long will I love you? How long will I need you? As long as the seasons need to, follow their plan.”
—
Summer 2014
—
Bang Bang(feat. Nicki Minaj & Ariana Grande) – Jessie J
The song of the summer? This song filled the radio stations all summer and fall. It is a trifecta of Jessie, Nicki, and Ariana. The “Moulin Rouge” of 2014!!
Jump (For My Love) – The Pointer Sisters
How could I forget to add this song to My List 2014. The Pointer Sisters performed at the Opening Ceremonies of the Gay Games in Cleveland. When “Jump(For My Love) came on the place went wild. I had a sneaking suspicion that the guy I was standing next to would become the man I would “Jump” for his love.
Cleveland, you rocked. You accepted us. You loved us. You rocked with us. Thank you. Forevermore, Thank you!
I’ll remember the people I met along the way. The German reporter who sat with me and interview me at a basketball game. The speedo clad, tatted up, nipple rings, overly tanned, slightly saggy older man in the swim competition. Erik, the teacher from Montreal, I sat with on my way to the 10K start line. We chatted about teaching and kids these days, and how Cleveland rocked the Gay Games. And there were the two Germans I ran with during the half marathon, Fritz and Michael. Once I realized they were in my age bracket, I left them in my dust. Sorry guys, it was nice chatting with you. There was the girl who waited on us for brunch following my race. “Did you guys participate? Did you win?” My response, “He’s a sliver medalist in volleyball. Mine is just a participation medal.” Haha, it’s fine. She said, “Oh cool. This is all so cool,” with a huge smile on her face. Finally, all of the guys I call my new friends. You know who you are and you are pretty awesome. It was a joy to participate with you and all the shenanigans. Thanks for opening your arms so wide to me.
The only thing missing from their GG9 Opening Ceremonies performance was one Pointer Sister(R.I.P.) and those dresses.
I love at 3 minutes when the synthesizers take it up a notch and octave. I get chills every time.
I Belong to You – Whitney Houston
There was a lot of talk about Whitney Houston in the later part of 2014 as a first ever Live album and an Angela Bassett directed biopic for Lifetime TV were being produced. I never need a reason to listen to Whitney, but I was also falling in love with a boy I met in July. For some reason I was drawn to the I’m Your Baby Tonight album, Whitney’s underrated and undersold third studio album released in November 1990. I listened mostly for “All the Man That I Need” but I rediscovered two fantastic R&B songs, “Lover For Life” and “I Belong to You.”
“All of my life I’ve longed for this, someone who makes me happy.”
“I’ve been to the bottom but I’m back on top. And I’m feelin’ the rhythm as we start to rock.”
What a wonderful feeling it is to love a guy who isn’t afraid to express his love. Bliss.
Didn’t We Almost Have It All – Whitney Houston
Throughout 2013 and 2014’s self-discovery for me, I realized what does NOT make a mutually fulfilling relationship and what DOES make a mutually fulfilling relationship. At the Gay Games in August my boyfriend and I were holding hands and laughing. A group of guys passed us and said, “Did you guys just meet?” Fake angry, we looked at each other and at them, “NO, we’ve known each other a LONG time….six weeks!” When you know, you know. He has brought such joy, fun, consistency, stability, and mutuality to my life. He also allows me to listen to Whitney, A LOT!
One song that we heard in the very early days of our meeting was “Didn’t We Almost Have It All”, and we still listen to it often. It might be about a relationship that didn’t work, but the root of the song, the message, is “Once you know what love is, you’ll never let it end.”
Listen to Whitney’s vibrato and purity. It’s a gift.
In September 1987, I remember waiting by the television in our family room for the live feed of Whitney in concert, singing her new single, “Didn’t we almost have it all. This Saratoga Springs footage became the official video for DWAHIA. Whitney starts out slow and gets to her soul roots at the end with, “Didn’t we, Didn’t we, Didn’t we almost have it all.”
“Cause once you know what love is, you’ll never let it end.”
Home(Live from The Merv Griffin Show) – Whitney Houston
In May 1983 Whitney Houston made her television debut on The Merv Griffin Show. She was 19 years old. This is an incredibly special performance. You can hear Whitney’s purity and undeveloped potential power. Two years later she would release her debut album, Whitney Houston, which went on to score award after award after award between 1985 and 1987.
This is another song played in yoga (to which I shed a few peaceful tears) this fall and I call it “going to church”. Yoga is my church and so is Whitney. Sunday mornings, whether in yoga or simply listening to Whitney, my boyfriend joins me, and I love it. That time is special.
“Time please be my friend and let me start again.”
“Living here in this brand new world might be a fantasy, but it’s taught me to love so it’s real to me.”
“And I’ve learned that we must look inside our hearts to find, yeah we gotta find, a world full of love, like yours like mine, like home.”
Fancy(feat. Charli XCX) – Iggy Azalea
Ok, I’m going to reference yoga again because it played such a huge role in my life in 2013 and 2014. There were nights that I did not want to be home alone so I would take two yoga classes after work. On the other side of that part of my life now, “Fancy” was a fun song played during yoga and a huge hit in 2014. It also describes my boyfriend, “fancy”. Recently at his work holiday party, “Fancy” was played as he made his way to the dance floor with his boss and his wife. “Fancy” is his song!
Night Changes – One Direction
Fine, yes, I still love a good boy band. Although One Direction has only been on my periphery, I saw them perform at the American Music Awards in November. It was so simple. I loved it.
Daily I think about my friend Lesley who passed away in January at age 38. I’m reminded that as we get older, the value of time with good friends and family should be cherished. It might be a special event or a special trip or just Sunday brunch, whatever it is, cherish the time because it can be fleeting.
“Having no regrets is all that she really wants.”
“We’re only getting older baby. And I’ve been thinking about you lately. Does it ever drive you crazy just how fast the night changes. Everything that you’ve ever dreamed of, disappearing when you wake up, but there’s nothing to be afraid of even when the night changes. It will never change me and you.”
I Wish You Would – Taylor Swift
You are witnessing history here. Yes, I am putting a T Swizz song on My List 2014. This is the very first time she has appeared on any of my lists. She drives me nuts. Her winning awards drives me nuts. However, her new pop album, 1989, is classic pop perfection. She writes catchy, can’t get out of my head songs. “I Wish You Would” is probably my favorite song from 1989. It’s pure pop and a throwback to music of the time, 1989!
**Sorry no video yet**
You and Me – You+Me
Alecia Moore, yes, Pink, has gotten together with some guy to create You+Me. “You and Me” was a free song at Starbucks in November. I got it. I liked it. Here it is.
“You and me were always with each other. Before we knew the other was even there. You and me, we belong together, just like the breath needs the air.”
Chandelier – Sia
SONG OF THE YEAR! (for me anyway). I love this song. There were times during marathon training on long Saturday morning runs I’d sing it to my friend JP. There were times in my car this fall that I would sing it at the top of my lungs as a release and empowerment anthem. There were times I would sing it at the top of my lungs just to sing at the top of my lungs(my vocal strength-the top of my lungs). Needless to say, it is a sing at the top of your lungs song. I even created in my head what I thought were the lyrics and to this day, my lyrics mean more to me and I sing them rather than the real thing.
My lyrics:
“I’m gonna fly like a miracle tonight. Fill my dreams in this life. I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier.”
Actual lyrics:
“I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night. Feel my tears till they dry. I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier.”
Other meaningful lyrics to me, a guy who finds strength and perseverance through song lyrics. There were times in early 2014 that I was still desperate to let go of something that wasn’t meant to be. There was still holdover from my breakup. But I so desperately wanted to move on. I wanted to find the strength but some nights I couldn’t.
“’Cause I’m just holding on for tonight, help me I’m holding on for tonight. On for tonight.”
But Chandelier is also an anthem of power for life. “I’m gonna swing from a chandelier.” Yes, yes I am and yes I will. Surely, the second half of 2014, finding love and living life with my love has been truly joyful. For anyone who has been in love before you know the feeling. It just makes your lens on life a little bit better, a feeling of swinging on a chandelier. Joy. Happiness. Love.
So I’m going to swing from that chandelier and I’m going to “fly like a miracle tonight” and I’m going to “live my dreams in this life.”
Let me take you back, it’s February 10, 2002 and you are watching the final episode of the best Sex and the City season, Season 4. Carrie and Aiden broke up again, Big left again, but Carrie has a new, sassy haircut and dark smokey eyes. It’s Fall, change is upon Carrie, not only with men, but Miranda, her bestie just had a baby. It’s Fall, the change of a season, leaves are falling from the sky and a lot in Carrie’s life has changed.
Today is a crisp day in Chicago and I sense the change of season is upon us. As I drove home from yoga I couldn’t help but notice the leaves are changing colors. Thirty minutes earlier I was at the end of my yoga practice, in shavasana. I was feeling great. Many of my favorite teachers have left, but this new one, Lauren, captured me. As I laid there I reflected on the place I was a year ago. Although I was working so hard on getting past a breakup, I was still very much hurting on a daily basis. I’d say to myself, “You can do this. You aren’t where you want to be but you are so far from the pain you felt in May and June and July.” As soon as I felt strong, it seemed I felt weak again. Each day was still a struggle, but I was making it. I was making each day the best I could make it. I was heavy into marathon training and into yoga practice. However, today, as I lay there on my mat I felt completely different. A year later I feel completely different. I’m energized like myself. I feel a release of energy that is so true to my being. A year ago my intention in practice was healing, today my intention was love. I just had this feeling on my mat today of AHHHHHH, changes have occurred and actually, I’m a far happier person because of those changes. I’m in a far better place because of those changes. Gosh it was a long journey, through many seasons, but I made it to the other side. On a daily basis I did not see where I was headed, but what I know for sure, is that each day of the past 365 days, I was exactly where I was supposed to be. And right now, September 11, 2014, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I would never wish upon anyone to go through heartbreak. It sucks! But now, very far from it, with clear eyes and a full heart, I can clearly see the changes that the past 16 months have afforded me. What should be known is that each day isn’t easy. You have to make an effort to move forward and let go. My god did I struggle with letting go. But once I did, doors opened. New people came into my life and because of those new people, other people came into my life. I started this blog because I finally let go. I participated in the Gay Games in Cleveland because I finally let go. I have a different energy in my life now because I let go. And honestly, I’ve packed on 10 lbs. because I LET GO! Let’s be honest, crying daily and not eating and training for a marathon can take you down to 168 lbs., but sitting at 178 lbs., a year later, I’m a much happier, energized person.
I remember back in July last year, I was sitting at my doctor’s office with a broken heart and broken hand. She said, “Wow, you’re really going through a season, but don’t worry, it will get better. Everything changes, you just have to hold on for a little bit before you see it. Your hand will mend, and so will your heart.” I of course was sobbing, but she was right. My hand did heal and so did my heart. I had to fucking tape that shit back together somedays, but with each stick of new tape and each step of the day, it all got better. With friends’ help, oh friends’ help, I made it to my yoga mat today where I realized how far my journey has taken me and how far I have come. If you find yourself in a similar situation, just hold on. Surround yourself by loving friends and get a whole mess of tape because it could take a lot of mending before it all sticks back together. But you have to believe that one day, your heart will stick all back together. It may never feel the same way, but I believe that is ok. It’s not meant to feel the same way. Your heart changes too, just as you do. You will always love again, just in a different way. Thank your journey for teaching you all kinds of ways to love. And remember this, seasons are going to happen, some of them good, some of them not so good. You will make it to the other side.
Oh, no truer words have been written, no truer words. A year ago I was just starting to take longer steps in a forward progression to letting go. As I reflect, I realize that I needed ALL of that time to learn about myself and heal and tape my heart up and tape again and accept the changes and SEE how wonderful the experiences I’ve lived this year have been. A month ago I was coming off the greatest 10 days at the Gay Games in Cleveland. Had I still been living my life of 2012-2013, I would never have experienced the love, joy, and excitement of being a competitive athlete at the Gay Games. CHANGE, I don’t love it, but it brings us to where we need to be. It forces us to veer off course and perhaps make our fate. If things in my life hadn’t changed, I would not be sitting here today typing and sharing my writing. So many parts of my life, right now, wouldn’t be as they are had things not changed. Am I going to say it? Change, change is good.
As seasons come and go, often fall, is a time of reflection as spring is a time of new hope, new adventures. Winter is a time for, well, winter sucks, but summer, summer is a time for fun and joy. My hope for you, as autumn seems to be upon us, is that you had a wonderful summer filled with more joy and love than you could ever imagine. I hope that new people have brought joy and love to your life, as they have to mine, and I hope your dearest friends have remained that consistent joyful reminder of happiness and how far you have come on this journey. I hope that autumn brings you a time of reflection, a nice new sweater and good changes.
Where do I begin? Spending 10 days in Cleveland, OH last week for the Gay Games #GG9 was incredible, amazing, fulfilling, and totally unexpected. I guess I knew the Games were being held in Cleveland, but I didn’t give it any thought to participate. Life sort of had its way of happening and I had my way of Saying YES to Life and well, I ended up in Cleveland as an athlete in the Gay Games 9. What I didn’t know when I signed up is how much fun it would be, how many people I would meet, and how significant it would feel to participate in an international event that happens every four years. Cleveland opened it’s arms to the world, and we all answered back.
Cleveland? Really? THAT is the city that they chose to host the 2014 Gay Games? Eight years ago it was in Chicago. Four years ago the Games were held in Cologne, Germany. Cleveland, Ohio? How the hell did they beat out Boston, Washington D.C. and New York City? That I cannot tell you the answer to, but I can tell you that those other three cities are pretty progressive. Gays are totally boring in those cities. The significance of hosting an international event like the Gay Games allowed a humble Mid-West city to become exponentially more progressive and what a job they did. Everywhere we walked there were rainbow flags hanging from businesses and on lamp posts. The most iconic building of the city (above) was lit up in a rainbow of color every night as if a beacon saying, “Gays, we love you too and you are welcome in our city.” Never once did I see a protester. Never once did I feel uncomfortable holding hands. Never once did I hear a shout of negativity. I felt accepted and loved and full of joy for 10 days in Cleveland. As I said when I left on Sunday, Well done Cleveland. Well done.
Tom Waddell founded the Gay Olympics in 1982 on the principle
that competition can overcome division and prejudice.
The purpose of the Federation of Gay Games is to foster and augment the self-respect of lesbiansand gay men throughout the world and to engender respect and understanding from thenongay world, primarily through an organized international participatory athleticand cultural event held every four years, and commonly known as the Gay Games.
Not only did I want to participate as a runner in the Games, but I wanted to take them in like Princess Kate and Prince William did with the London Olympics. Much like Kate, I donned my finest attire to attend the diving practice, and the swimming competition and even a basketball game and party after party after party. I wasn’t nearly as pretty, but I did my hair real nice. At the basketball game I met a reporter from Germany who sat next to me. We chatted about the significance of the Games in Cleveland. He is from Cologne, the host four years prior, and his friends told him the festivities were way more outrageous than in Cleveland. While chatting, he asked me why I felt the Games were so significant. What I told him is that Cleveland is still in the Mid-West and there is still a lot of growth that needs to happen. But unlike Boston, D.C., Chicago, or NYC, Cleveland offered an opportunity for residents of a fairly conservative area of the country to be exposed to more GAYS than they knew existed! The city was drooling with gays. Like I said, the city and businesses embraced us all. I chatted with a girl at the Starbucks who asked about the Games. She had no idea that they are held every four years in an effort to spread tolerance and the message of acceptance and inclusion. She simply thought her home city was doing something really cool. Yes, everyone is included in the Gays Games, even our straight friends. At swimming and diving I saw people who were most likely in their fifties competing. One man did a belly flop, twice, but he was accepted and a little tolerated, and he was most of all, having fun. So my conversation with the German reporter continued. I think it was only because I had my hair real nice, like Kate, remember? I finished with this. It may not be the flashiest or most outrageous of Games, but I feel like Cleveland is a success because it furthered the push for acceptance and tolerance in an area of our country that so desperately needs to get on board with all of that. Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, they are all on the wrong side of history and the exposure that the Gay Games has given the city of Cleveland, the state of Ohio and it’s residents, I hope, will begin to put the rest of the Mid-West on the right side of history.
So what was it like? Well, if I could win a gold medal for party participation, I would have. The gays know how to throw a party. I knew if the kick-off party at the art museum Friday night followed by the Opening Ceremonies(Lance Bass-bad; Pointer Sisters-fabulous)Saturday night of opening weekend were any indication, this week would be fab, fab, fab. It was exhilarating to march in the opening ceremonies that hosted more athletes than the Sochi Olympics, probably because the gays weren’t afraid for their lives to attend this event. We marched into the Q Arena to a huge party with thousands of fans. Senators welcomed us. The Mayor of Cleveland welcomed us. President Obama welcomed us. But most of all, Cleveland welcomed us. One thing we all wished was that Lance Bass had NOT welcomed us. He was kind of awful. However, the Pointer Sisters, rocked the house. “Jump for my love. Jumpin’ and feel my touch. Jump Jump For My Love.” We went to the White Party and of course, as the gays would have it, it poured rain and turned into a huge wet t-shirt orgy. Ok, that didn’t happen, but Boy George was there spinning some great tunes. House of Blues hosted a party. Hotels hosted parties. Bars hosted parties. Festival Village hosted parties. I don’t think we got to bed once before midnight. Of everything, the post-closing ceremony party might have been my favorite one. The Games were over and we all relaxed and drank and tossed flowers at each other and danced and made friends and had the time of our lives. Most of the guys I had just met that week but we simply had the best of times. So really, I guess it was a huge party with a few athletics thrown in for good measure.
The above sign is one I never thought I would ever follow in my life. Growing up, my brother was the athlete in the family. I tried soccer one fall and asked my coach incessantly if I could organize the oranges for halftime rather than play. The following spring I gave t-ball a shot. My parents were frighted for my life, and probably a little embarrassed, when I sat down in the outfield and picked grass with my back to the game. I wasn’t an athlete. My freshman year of high school, during PE class, my teacher, the high school swim coach, asked me to join the swim team after he watched me swim. As an overweight kid, living in the shadow of my all-star athlete brother, I didn’t even give it a thought. Well, that is wrong, I thought, “I’d love to swim, but what do I show up the first day in? A speedo? A regular swimsuit? I’m not an athlete.” I just didn’t have the confidence to pull it all together. So I did my thang in marching band and musicals and had a great experience. It wasn’t until 2011, after my first marathon, that I felt even remotely athletic. Even then I’d tell people, “I’m not an athlete. I just run.” Finally, last year after running two marathons in three weeks, and posting sub-four hour finishes in both, I felt like an athlete. When the opportunity arose to participate in the Gay Games I did not even think twice. I went for it. I ran three events, the 5K, 10K, and Half Marathon. In each event I posted new personal records, crushing all of my previous times. My best race, the 10K, I was 5th in my age bracket, just missing a medal. I kind of felt like Michelle Kwan, always the bridesmaid. Whaaa Waaaaaaaaa! But that doesn’t matter, what is important is that it might have taken a long, long time, but at 38, and Saying YES to Life, I finally call myself, an athlete.
Look at that amazing bouffont at 6 a.m. Now that is a GAY ASS ATHLETE!
My takeaways from the week:
Cleveland, you rocked. You accepted us. You loved us. You rocked with us. Thank you. Forevermore, Thank you!
I’ll remember the people I met along the way. The German reporter who sat with me and interview me at a basketball game. The speedo clad, tatted up, nipple rings, overly tanned, slightly saggy older man in the swim competition. Erik, the teacher from Montreal, I sat with on my way to the 10K start line. We chatted about teaching and kids these days, and how Cleveland rocked the Gay Games. And there were the two Germans I ran with during the half marathon, Fritz and Michael. Once I realized they were in my age bracket, I left them in my dust. Sorry guys, it was nice chatting with you. There was the girl who waited on us for brunch following my race. “Did you guys participate? Did you win?” My response, “He’s a sliver medalist in volleyball. Mine is just a participation medal.” Haha, it’s fine. She said, “Oh cool. This is all so cool,” with a huge smile on her face. Finally, all of the guys I call my new friends. You know who you are and you are pretty awesome. It was a joy to participate with you and all the shenanigans. Thanks for opening your arms so wide to me.
Our straight allies who participated in the sports or volunteered or simply cheered us on, as the MC of the Closing Ceremonies said, “Where are our straight people? We love straight people. We need you to make more of us.” Isn’t that the truth. Thank you for making us and loving us!
This:
This too:
Oh and This:
And This Too:
It was an incredible week filled with amazing feelings of joy and memories to last a lifetime. My friend Matt captured many of the finest moments in this video that played at the closing ceremonies(find him at mattquinncreative.com). If you watch closely, you might recognize one of the athletes at 1 minute 40 seconds. Matt’s video captures how it felt to participate and spend 10 days at #GG9.
Yup, I’m lucky and so are the thousands of gay men and women I spent time with and competed against in the Gay Games. Our world has changed immensely in the eight years since Chicago hosted the games. What will the world be like for us gays in 2018 when Paris hosts us? Yes, us, I say. US! We’re going!
I leave you with this charming, charming little conversation that will live on and on. “You are the SILVER medalist in volleyball,” I lovingly said to my guy. “And you honey beat the fastest woman in the 10K!”
the two hardest words that have ever left my lips, but what was even more difficult was getting to the point of saying those words. People often ask, “Did you know you were gay?” My response often, “Did you know you were straight?” Growing up in a straight world; a society that celebrates being straight, “normal” and all that goes with being how your parents envision your life to be. My parents have always been accepting of my gayness(I don’t like “lifestyle”, “homosexuality” sounds so scientific, and I hope we can put to rest the idea of “choice”.) But, what they said to me when I told them, “I’m gay” is that it was never a life they envisioned for their child because of the difficulty. I also believe that parents have hopes and dreams for their children based on the straight society in which we are raised. Kids are born, they play, they learn, they grow, they leave home, they marry, they have kids…..that is what our society celebrates. That, I believe, is what parents hope for their children. My journey has been different. What I know for sure is that my family may not totally understand my journey, but they have always been supportive and most of all, proud of who I have become. I’ve lived 38 years, but I’ve lived my truth the past 12 years.
So back to that age old question gay men are asked, “Did you know you were gay?” No. I grew up in a time that there were not gay role models. Gays were not very present, if at all, on television. The gays in the media were Liberace or Elton John, certainly two men I never identified with. So though I knew I felt different, I never really knew why. I played with the boys in the neighborhood, rode bikes in the woods, went swimming, played with WWF wrestling figures, but around 6th grade, when they were playing football in the backyard, I started to find that I would rather lay in front of my stereo at home and listen to Wilson Phillips and Tiffany. Hahaha. Honestly, I laugh now. I loved Barbara Mandrell and the Mandrell Sisters when I was five and would put on weekly shows while watching their Saturday night variety show on NBC. I loved and will always love, Whitney Houston. I laid in front of my stereo every Sunday morning for four hours and listened to Rick Dee’s and the Weekly Top 40. I watched Star Search on Saturday afternoon at 5 p.m. and then watched the same repeat episode on Sunday at 4 p.m. Did I know I was gay? No. Did I know I had very different interests than the fellas on the street? Yes. That was basically how I lived my life from age 12 to 18. I did not necessarily shy away from being me, but I was aware that I needed to hide some of my interests as not to be made fun of and always in my head hoping, “this is just a phase. I’ll grow out of it.”
Funny, I never “grew out of it.” I went to college and still repressed any feelings I had toward boys. What was wonderful in college is that I met my friends Herb and Cary. Though none of us were out at that time, we connected on a level that was better for me. Cary had Entertainment Weekly too and openly loved Mariah just as much as I loved Whitney. Herb loved Celine Dion and wanted to watch “Deep End of the Ocean” with Michelle Pfeiffer and Robert Redford. Glory Glory Hallelujah, finally people like me. Again, all of us were struggling with the same acceptance of ourselves, but at least I felt more comfortable knowing that I wasn’t the only guy with interests other than the “norm.”
It wasn’t until eight years later, when I was 26, that I finally, FINALLY, was able to say, “I’m Gay!” I told my friend Dennis after his “coming out” party. He’d recently moved in with a new roommate. It was the first party I ever went to with all gay men. The party blew my mind. I met so many people and sat with a guy named Paul and talked about General Hospital for about two hours. Haha, Heaven! What is this easy NOT uneasy feeling in my stomach? Why does this feel so “right?” Dennis walked me out to grab a cab and my life changed forever, “I’m gay Dennis.”
For the past 12 years I have been living my life “through.” It has not always been easy. Telling my mom and dad was excruciatingly painful. Feeling I had to keep my gayness a secret from work was increasingly more difficult as I wanted to involve my friends in my entire life, but I lived a double, smoke and mirrors life for several years. What I know now that I didn’t know then, is that everyone has been accepting and loving of me and my gayness. The fear of being rejected never came true. The fear of work friends caring never came true. I never felt that people did not “know” rather, I just had not “told” them. A funny story is the time I was at recess with a few of my 5th grade students. The conversation between four girls happened right in front of me, yet I was not part of the conversation, I simply heard it. “My parents say that if Mr. T is gay that is fine because he’s a great teacher.” “Yeah, I asked my mom if he is gay and she said probably but that it didn’t matter because he’s a really nice guy.” Hilarious! What that moment taught me is that errrrrrrrbody “knows” I’m gay, I just haven’t “told” everybody. So now, 12 years later, my life just IS. I’m gay. It’s not a big dramatic thing. I don’t hide my life from anyone. I used to feel it had to be this big announcement; a planned event. Telling my family and my friends at first was such a big deal. I had to keep it a secret from this person but not that person. If I was dating I could only tell this person or that person. When I would go to gay bars I would only tell this person but not that person. I distinctly remember the first or second night I ever went out to Boystown bars. I was sitting in the chair at my computer on Magnolia Ave. I was on the computer checking email before I left. My body was convulsing. I was shaking so bad with nerves that my muscles seized up and I couldn’t move. Somehow I calmed myself down and got out of the house. That night I walked into Sidetrack and said to myself, with a sigh of relief, “Oh, this is what it is supposed to feel like to go to a bar. This is what is normal for me.” I walked into the bar with ALL men. It was amazing and wonderful. I was finally living my truth.
I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier I’m gonna live like tomorrow doesn’t exist Like it doesn’t exist I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier
So here I am, 12 years later, at the Gay Games getting ready to run the 10K today. For many reasons this is an incredible experience. In high school I never had the confidence to join the swimming team, even when I was asked to do so by the coach. “I’m not an athlete” I would think. Now I’m an athlete participating in one of the biggest sporting events of 2014. 12 years ago I wasn’t comfortable just being myself, now I’m a confident man, dancing in the streets last night with other men from around the world. I’m posting to social media telling my story because I can. It’s my truth and it is who I am and who I was born to be. “To thine own self be true.” August 5th is when I celebrate my birth. August 10th is when I celebrate my life. Say YES to Life!
I recently read this amazing blog post by #ShaunaNiequist called “You Are Significant With or Without a Significant Other.” Over the last couple of weeks I have talked about this blog with friends and acquaintances. Many of them have said, “Oh, I’ve heard about this.” It is well worth a read, so take a few minutes now if you haven’t already. What she writes about is worth sharing. We as single people may not be where we want to be in our lives, or where we envisioned ourselves, but we have it pretty good. We have some freedoms that married folk don’t. We have some freedoms that parents don’t. Rather than looking at it as a burden to be single, or something to be sad about, let’s choose to look at it as an opportunity to Say YES to Life! and live the hell out of this season.
I’ve lived the better part of my 37 years being single. Granted, 26 of those years were spent trying to figure out who the hell I wanted to date. Good Lord! Once that got all settled, I spent the next nine years living it up, going to bars with friends, dating, getting graduate degrees, traveling, thinking it would be awesome to have a kid, realizing it would not be awesome to have a kid, and then finally finding that guy, the one I would call “boyfriend.” Those years were fun, but certainly not what I was looking for, for the rest of my life. The year plus with my ex was amazing and I thought it was everything I wanted out of life. AT LONG LAST, I wasn’t SINGLE. Honestly, in my head, just not being single and having a “boyfriend” was probably more significant than the actual relationship. He couldn’t give me his heart. He couldn’t say, “I love you.” That is what I’m looking for, a guy who can accept emotion from me and give it back to me.
“You’ve been so unavailable/Now sadly I know why/Your heart is unobtainable/Even though Lord knows you kept mine.”
–Sam Smith, “I’m Not The Only One” from In the Lonely Hour
(Check out Sam Smith’s album, In the Lonely Hour, and be amazed. Not since Adele have lyrics been so real.)
Before my ex, I had convinced myself that I was content being single. How many times did I tell myself, “I’d rather be single than with the wrong guy.” I can tell you, hundreds of times that phrase went through my head. And yes, if I’m single the rest of my life, I will be okay. However, after experiencing a consistent, fun, and worthwhile dating relationship, the reality is that I want to be with a partner. I do not want to be single. Who does? As is written in “You Are Significant With or Without a Significant Other,” being single does not mean that we have to wait to be partnered before we can start our lives. This is a season. We may not be where we want to be, but this is an opportunity to live our lives freely until or if a partner should ever join us.
“Being single is an opportunity, even if it’s not one you choose. Spend it.” I love this quote from the blog post by #ShaunaNiequist. Yes, thank you for acknowledging that this is not what I chose. I don’t like it, but I can take this time and opportunity and “spend it.” And this too, “don’t wish away this season just because it doesn’t look the way you thought it would.” What a constant reminder that I have a good life. I am doing things with my singledom that are pretty amazing.
What has this Single Season afforded me?
Amazing Friendships:
Sarah, Dave, Michael, Patrick, Ronald, to name a few, have come in, or back into my life during this season. This is like my Oscar speech because there are SO many more people who the above have introduced me to who have become amazing parts of my life too. I probably could name about 50 new or returning people to my life during the past year. If anything has come of this time, I know that I am blessed to have these friends in my life. These are the people who reach out and ask, “Want to go grab a beer?” “Want to grab brunch?” “Want to go to a movie?” “Want to go for a run?” This season may not be where any of us want to be, but we have the freedom and choice to do whatever we want, when we want, and how we want. That’s pretty cool.
I have not written off my married friends, though most of them have fled to the burbs with kids. That’s not to say we can’t still hang out. As is written in the blog post, “You Are Significant With or Without a Significant Other,” single people can still add significance to married people and vice versa. “Don’t miss out on friendships with amazing people because they’re single and their rhythm of life is different from yours. And don’t assume that because someone’s single, they don’t want to hang out with married people, or people with kids.” This is true. I love my married friends and I love their kids. The best part of hanging out is that I get to see my friends, play with their kids, and the kids stay with them and I get to go back to the city. I joke, but some of the friends I have who are married have been the longest friendships here in Chicago. Though our lives have changed since we were all 24, single and living in the city, I love them all and wish I could see them more. So yes, my single friends from 14 years ago are mostly married with children and though our lives are admittedly different, it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be involved with them. They add significance to my life too.
This Blog:
Finally, after a year of being sad, I made it through the fog and found my voice. I’m only 5 posts (almost 6) into this adventure of blogging, but it feels good. It feels good to write and create and express my emotions. This blog is about taking my power back. Taking back the power to be happy. It is a choice and I’m choosing to find the good things in life, whether I’m single or not.
Being single may not be where any of us want to be right now, but we have a choice to be cheerful and happy and free to do whatever we want. I recently said to my friend Patrick, who is headed on his first solo trip, that traveling alone is amazing because it opens us up to new experiences we would not often open ourselves up to in the comforts of our own world. On my solo trips in Thailand and Peru I met so many people I would have otherwise not, because I was single. When we’re alone we are more willing to approach people and they more willing to approach us. In Peru I had one of the best conversations about world travel with an older single woman who saw I was alone and asked to eat dinner with me. That took balls, but you know what, if I was with someone, she and I would never have had that conversation. We would have never shared our stories of the majesty that is Machu Picchu. On the flip side, there were a few times in Thailand that I was staying at fantastic hotels and I wished I had a partner with me to experience the grandeur. During this conversation with friends Patrick and Sarah I said, “I really want to go to Greece, but I think it is a trip to do with a partner. Maybe a honeymoon trip?” Wisely Sarah said, “You could die tomorrow. If you want to go, go. If you want to go next summer, start planning. If you want to go for your 40th, do it. Invite friends and the people who can and want to come will come. Don’t wait for a honeymoon or a boyfriend. Life could end tomorrow. We are single now and we can go now.” YES! This is about Saying YES to LIFE! Whatever makes you happy, do it. If it is owning a nice knife, buy it now. Do not wait for a wedding. If it is travel, do not wait around for someone else. Do it now. Do it for yourself because you are fabulous, free, and ready to live your life, NOW! Forty is just over two years away. Start saving your money because we are headed to Greece, ya’ll!
“Being single used to mean that nobody wanted you. Now it means you’re pretty sexy and you’re taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with.”
-Carrie Bradshaw
To my single friends: Hold on for the ride. Embrace your singledom and live your life. Remember, “Single is not a status, it is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”
I have a love/hate relationship with this quote. ALL I have to do is FORGET what I feel? Really? I wish it was that easy. For some people, perhaps it is, but for me being the emotionally invested and aware guy that I am, it isn’t that easy. However, the sentiment behind the quote has merit. It makes sense and is the basis of this idea of “Investing In Me.”
What resonated with me is the idea that my generation of gay men are now “nomadic.” There isn’t anything necessarily tying us down, like kids, and most people change jobs as often as every few years. So, why not move to a different city? Absolutely, go do that, but I’ve worked 14 years here in Chicago and my life is here. I’m not necessarily looking to move. According to the article by Jerry Plaza, “We want to move away, travel and achieve big dreams. Not that there’s anything wrong with the idea, but it sure does put a damper on anyone who might see a future with you.” Right, you want a future with me? Stay in Chicago or make millions so I don’t have to work! Boom! But in all honesty, if you want to be in a committed relationship, you need to be congruent with each other and for me that means you probably need to stay here, with me.
Natalie Lue from http://www.baggagereclaim.com would call this establishing dating boundaries. My dating boundary is that I live in Chicago and don’t plan to move anytime soon. As I worked through the heartbreak of my ex moving to NYC for a job, over looking for one in Chicago and choosing to stay with me, I realized I needed to listen to him. In March of last year he told me, “I can’t give you what you want.” For so many reasons I just wanted it to work. At the time, I would have done anything to stay with him.
“I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”
-Carrie Bradshaw
I’m looking for a guy who will choose to stay with me because he values me and loves me. My ex could not love me like this. His friends, I think, probably convinced him that he should stay with me. Why not, right? I do know that I have my shit together and the guy who I end up with will be lucky. So we worked things out and two months later he was gone. I should have “listened” to him. In Natalie Lue’s Handy List of Commitment and Availability Issues List of Phrases, the FIRST phrase is “I can’t give you what you want.” Listen to him! If you learn one thing only from this post, please, LISTEN TO HIM! It doesn’t matter if you beg him to reconsider, beg him to stay, or if his friends think you are fabulous and tell him he’s a fool to leave you, LISTEN TO HIM!
And just when you think listening is enough, now listen and set your boundary. Take your head with your heart-Invest In Yourself.
As I began dating again I made a commitment to myself to be authentic to my life and my life goals. I was not going to shy away from speaking MY truth and MY desire to find love and commitment here in Chicago. The first guy I dated I met running. I loved that about him. We had a ton of fun and he was super cute and energetic. The first mention of not liking his job and “maybe I’ll move”, see ya buddy! “My ex did that and I’m not doing that again.” We’re friends and he is great, but “maybe” I took seriously and that is not congruent with my life. Then a few months later I met THE next ONE. He’d recently moved back to Chicago to be close to family. Not having a job, he was seeking. On our second date he mentioned the dreaded three words in my world, New York City. I told him my ex moved there for a job over me and that if he wanted to look for jobs there he should, but that this would be our last date. “Oh the draw of New York. Everyone wants to live in New York. I lived there in my 20’s. It was great but I moved back here to be close to my family.” My response was very direct and clear, “That’s great, but if you do seek jobs there, don’t date me.” It could have been the cold and snow of this past January and February in Chicago, and loving a warm body next to me, but I fell head over heals for this guy. We dated for 7 weeks filled with laughter, hours of YouTube watching Whitney clips(he loved her too!), flowers at the door and ice cream in bed and rainbows and glitter(ok, no rainbows and glitter), and just an amazing time. After 7 weeks, he moved to New York City, for a job.
So here I am, now in June, after taking a few months away from dating, Saying YES to Life!, I’m back dating again. I’ve met some really great guys, however, I continue to find these nomadic gay men. Why do the guys I date think “I might live in NYC one day.” I’ve pondered this for the past week or so since I met a really handsome, fun guy. Is it that I’m attracted to younger thirty year olds? Perhaps. Or is it that my generation of gay men aren’t settled and don’t plan on settling down? Has the instant-ness of hook-up/dating apps changed the type of guys we are meeting? Or are we changing? Are jobs so fluid now that staying put in a city and working at a job for more than a few years a thing of the past? Perhaps. With these changes, can men dating now find love? A quote from the Broadway play and recent HBO movie, The Normal Heart, struck me. “Men do not naturally not love. They learn not to.” Are we learning not to love in order to keep our hearts at a distance and not settle down into commitment?
For me, however, I have to choose to “Invest In Me” and not only be upfront with these guys and my intention to stay, but say goodbye when they mention the idea of “one day” living somewhere else. Short of sounding bitter, because I’m not, I hesitate to believe that “Love Conquers All.” No matter how great I am, if a guy wants to live in say, New York City, he’s going to do it. All I have control over is my life and my desires and running the other way, fast, when the mention of living elsewhere is brought up. So I’m working on it. I’m not perfect, and this very handsome guy who’ve I’ve recently met is worth getting to know. But, I’m going to listen to him and I’m going to take my head along with my heart.
It is just about summer break around here. Last summer sucked the life out of me, but this summer I’m Saying YES to Life! and “Investing In Me.”
It’s 2015-Yes it is! I try to take the opportunity every January to think about the upcoming year. The hopes I have. The dreams I have. The opportunities I have. I picked up this candle from Bath and Body Works over the holidays. Three things drew me to it. First, the scent of saffron and redwood. Second, the glitter and sparkles. Most importantly, the saying, “Be Daring.” How can I live my life in 2015 by being Daring?
Say YES to Life 