“Let your freak flag wave. Let your freak flag fly.” When I saw Shrek The Musical and heard “Freak Flag” years ago I thought, “Yes, this is amazing. These lyrics are so incredible.” We are all freaks in our own way. We all have quirks and we are all different, but not enough do our children or the youth see our freak flag because we are conditioned to keep it hidden. Even as adults we keep our quirks in the shadows even though it is our quirks that make us unique and different and special and weird and memorable and the best person we can be in this life. The other day a co-worker said to me, “I don’t think we let our kids see our quirky side enough.” I completely agree which made me want to write this post.
A few weeks ago that same co-worker came to my office and told me, “Nine is singing Whitney in the Variety Show.” Nine is a talented group of nine young men who sing acapella at the school where I work. One of my students who is in Nine was in my office just days later. I said to him, “I hear you are singing Whitney Houston in the V-Show.” He looked at me quizzically. I sang, “How will I know if he really loves me? I say a prayer with every heartbeat.” He said, “Oh, Sam Smith.” At that moment, I knew we had a problem. This generation of kids don’t know Whitney Houston. I knew I had to right this wrong. The next day I wrote to one of his teachers and asked if I could come in and give a 20 minute presentation. I emailed other students in class to give them some answers so it looked like they knew way more than him. Luckily he is one of the best students I have met in my 16 year career. Plus, this was a leadership class with only 10 total students so I knew my Master Class Lesson on Whitney Houston would work.
I went into his class on Friday and gave this presentation.
When I arrived this young man said, “Are you here to teach us about Whitney Houston?” The other students smiled then we got started and they enthusiastically answered the questions. One young lady, another of my students, got up and started doing the “How Will I Know” dance moves from the video playing. We laughed, they answered questions, and my heart raced. I am almost 40 years old but I was still nervous. What are these 10 students going to think of me? I don’t care, but what are they going to think? Even though I’m not trying to hide my freak flag in the shadows, I still was a bit nervous. And even though I don’t care what they think, I was nervous. Maybe I care a little more than I think but I really don’t care what they think. In almost 40 years of living I have learned to be confident in me, but in this moment I was nervous. Have you ever been in this situation? We are adults and we have been through our teenage years and our 20s and our 30s, but the moment we put ourselves out there it is like we are 15 again. AH! What was so wonderful is that from what I could tell, these students got it. They let me have fun and they laughed and had fun with me. I thanked them for letting me fly my freak flag, and I encouraged them to fly their own freak flag because we all have one or two or three or more freak flags to fly. As I walked down the hallway back to my office I could hear some of them, “And IIIIIIIIII, eeeeee, IIIIIII will always love youuuuuuu.” Mission accomplished!
What started years ago, and I’m not quite sure how, was an ability I had to be me. When I first came out as a gay man, people would ask, “When did you know you were gay?” I mean, there were signs all along that looking back could have been indicators to other people but to me, I just always knew I was different. I did not want to play football after school with the other boys on the street. I wanted to put on shows and pretend I was a Hollywood star accepting awards and I wanted to play The Price Is Right and I wanted to create dance shows and I wanted to reenact Days of Our Lives: Cruise of Deception scenes(the clean ones), yes I did! Ha, that memory just made me laugh. I wanted to lay in front of the living room stereo on Sunday mornings and listen to four hours of The Weekly Top 40 and I wanted to watch Star Search on Saturday at 5 p.m. and then the same episode repeated Sunday at 4 p.m. About the only thing I had in common with some of the boys on my street was WWF wrestling but secretly I liked Lady Elizabeth and the pomp and circumstance of Macho Man Randy Savage and his sequined robes more than anything else. I was different than the other boys and I knew it; I felt it, but it did not stop me from enjoying what I enjoyed. I just pretty much had to do it on my own because no one else was interested in the same things as I was at the time. I knew I had to hide my interests as not to get teased. I knew that I had a safe place at home but taking my interests out of my house was risky. Finally in middle and mostly high school, I was able to be in band and musicals and I found other people who were like me. Finally boys and girls were starting to hang out together in mixed groups which made me way more comfortable. Finally I started to feel more like I could express myself. Don’t get me wrong, a lot was still hidden, but I didn’t shy away from my love of Whitney, or Paula Abdul, or Kristi Yamaguchi. I did not shy away from making up a dance to “Vogue” for a band fundraiser. In a way, I had a confidence to do what I wanted to do. I found the right people to surround myself with and that allowed me to be me. I am thankful for my high school friends for allowing me to be me, for laughing with me and at me and loving the young person I was being. I am very blessed to have had the childhood and friends that I did back then.
Although for 26 years I hid one aspect of myself to the world, I still feel like I said YES to life and let people get to know all the quirks and freak sides of me. Honestly when Whitney Houston died people from elementary school sent condolences because they remembered my love for her. Whenever there is a pageant on television, people know I’m watching. When I was in my first year of teaching, I taught my students the *NSync “It’s Gonna Be Me Dance”. At work now, right next to my marathon metal mug is my Whitney Houston mug. Are my quirks because I’m gay? Hardly. My freak flag flies because it is me. Are my interests different than other men? Perhaps. Or, are other men afraid to fly their freak flag because society has taught them not to? Like I said above, I felt different way before I knew what gay was, so I am thankful that I have always been able to pretty much express my quirks with the support of my family and friends. My dad is the one who actually suggested I tape the 1987 Miss USA pageant, “seems like something you might enjoy.” He was right. The pomp, the circumstance, the SEQUINS! For what it is worth, I’m different and I celebrate it. I Say YES to Life!
Get out there and fly your freak flag. Let your kids and other people experience your quirks and encourage theirs. Let them know that being different is just fine and actually what makes life interesting. When they mention someone else’s difference, that is an opportunity to encourage seeing uniqueness in the other person as wonderful. Let them see you celebrate being different and flying your freak flag! Say YES to Life!
It’s here. The time has finally arrived. In a few months I will celebrate the 40 year mark in life and oh what a life it has been. Just last weekend this idea for a blog came to my mind. Of course my blog is about life and not letting it pass you by and it’s about celebrating the great things that come our way whether big or small. So I didn’t win the Powerball billions, but I sure feel like I have won in many other ways and parts of my life. “Celebrating 40” is going to be sort of like my version of Oprah’s “What I Know For Sure” at least what I think I know, kind of, at the age of 40. What I do know for sure is that I’m glad I’m not 23, friendship is awesome, and I have a life Well Traveled.
Last weekend a couple friends and I jumped in the car and drove to Bloomington, Indiana, because, why not? Two of us had never been there and we had the time and freedom to do it, so why not? A couple of “What I Know For Sure” moments happened very organically which made me want to write this bog. At the end of the night, we found ourselves at the local Bloomington club/gay bar filled with early 20 somethings dancing and it was definitely the place to dance. We walked in to Beyonce, which transitioned to “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” which transitioned to other 80s and 90s pop. None of us even made a move to the bar for a cocktail, we had had enough. All we wanted to do was dance, and dance we did, for 2 hours until 2 a.m. What is so incredible to me is that at first I thought, “these kids weren’t even blips on the reproductive radar when Cyndi was singing ‘Oh daddy dear you know you’re still number one, and girls they want to have fu-uuun, Oh girls just want to have fun,'” but they were out there dancing and so were we. Patrick danced so much it was like he had just walked out of the lake in his clothes. I just kept looking around thinking how fun it was to be dancing, first of all, and then not giving a care in the world what these kids were probably thinking, like, “who are these old people dancing their fool heads off?” #sorrynotsorry #dontcare #im39 #respect I always have been a dancer at a bar with good music, but what is different now is that I don’t have this sense of looking around and wondering what others are thinking(but have I ever really?-Probably not). I was having fun, so it did not matter. Years ago that wouldn’t have been the case. So with age does come some confidence, some assurance, and a sense of not really caring what others think. It was just so much fun. I often do think, more recently, “Thank god I’m not 22.” I had so much fun back then and I’m sure these kids were having fun too, but man, almost 40 is kind of awesome, I must say.
Earlier in the evening I had the great pleasure of spending time with some of my friend Sarah’s friends from her time at Indiana University. What I know for sure is that, if you have really good, unique, cool, interesting, well traveled, experienced friends, they also have really cool friends who they introduce you to and within minutes you’re having deep, philosophical conversations. Well, that might be because one of the friends is a college professor, regardless, there is an ease to really wonderful conversation. There is something really nice about drinking great wine, eating delicious food and connecting with people you have never met before. I guess I don’t really have anything profound to say, more just reflecting that I’ve spent a great many years meeting and spending time with some pretty cool, fascinating, crazy(in all the good ways), and crazy(in all the bad ways)people who have introduced me to cool, fascinating, crazy and crazy other people. So with time I can for sure say, I’m glad I’m not 23 again because I’ve had 16 amazing years meeting all these crazy cool people.
Ok, and then there are those moments when you just bust out laughing and you pee in your pants a little because something is so funny. My mom would say, “That struck me funny.” On Sunday it is safe to say we all needed a few Advil. Whether it was for a headache due to drinking too much or aching muscles due to dancing all night, that doesn’t matter, we had a 4 hour drive ahead of us. When we stopped on the road I got a Starbucks jasmine mint tea. It was delicious. I always use my tea bags twice. Maybe it is a secret single behavior or I’m living in the depression, regardless, you can get two good uses out of tea bags(all you dirty minded people stop right there!). As we were cleaning out the car I said, “I’ll keep this.” It was my cup with my tea bags. Patrick and Sarah questioned. I said, “I like to use them twice and this was particularly delicious.” Without hesitation Sarah says, “Well Patrick and I can chip in to get you a box of tea bags girl!” We laughed and laughed and laughed in the middle of the street. Well girl, I’m not poor, so I don’t need you to buy me tea bags, but what I do need you to do is keep being my friend.
What I know for sure as I Celebrate 40 is that friendships have been the single greatest part of my life. Friendships have gotten me through so many tough times and have made the fun times even better. Good lord who would ever want to be in middle school again? Not me, but having friends made it bearable. Having friends who served you Blue Maui and pineapple juice cocktails freshman year of college, yeah you’re right, that isn’t a friend. I’m lucky that I have friends from as far back as age 4 to new ones as of last weekend who are really incredible, cool people. They make my life experience that much better.
I don’t know where this journey will end
Cause the world keeps calling me
At home people embrace me as a friend
And I’m loving all the energy
Ahhhh, the late 80s and pop music, there isn’t much that brings greater joy for me to think about than those days. Life was easy back then. I ranged in age from 10-13. 1986-1989 were the years that some of our pop divas made huge marks on popular music and me. The American Music Awards held in January 1987 saw Whitney, Janet, and Madonna all take home awards AND they were all there to accept.
All of these late 80s music memories came rushing back recently when I was sitting at my desk pretty much jamming to the new Carly Rae Jepsen album, Emotion, and a student of mine entered my office, sat down, and said, “Is that Carly Rae?”
“Why yes it is,” I responded. We proceeded to briefly talk about the hot lead single, Run Away With Me and why it isn’t a bigger hit. This song opens with a sax solo straight out of 1987 and a steamy fire escape set video staring Richard Marx. But what ensued, much to my delight and probably much to the dismay of my student, was a late 80s diva history.
First and foremost, The Queen of Pop, Whitney’s I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me). It is pop perfection. What I didn’t tell my student in our history lesson was how I used to act it out leaning up against the house like Whitney did when she had the leather jacket on and leopard print scarf in her hair. IWDWS is quintessential late 80s. The horns, the pop beats, the bright colors in the video, the make-up on Whitney. It all goes down in history as one of my favorite songs and definitely a late 80s favorite. It is interesting to note that IWDWS was written by the same duo who wrote How Will I Know, which was originally intended for Janet Jackson, but helped cement Whitney as a pop icon in the making. The duo of George Merrill and Shannon Rubicam, of the group Boy Meets Girl fame (another favorite song of mine, Waiting For A Star To Fall) wrote both pop hits for Whitney and actually intended Waiting For A Star To Fall for her but Arista declined so they made a hit out of the song. Whitney received song writing credits for coming up with the ending, “Don’t you wanna dance, say you wanna dance, don’t you wanna dance (dance)”. She won Best Pop Female Vocal at the 30th Annual Grammy Awards for I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me).
My student of course had heard of Whitney, but really only knew her in reference to the recent tragic loss of Bobbi Kristina and the song I Will Always Love You. I couldn’t help myself but to show her a bit of the video and expound upon her the importance of knowing Whitney Houston and I Wanna Dance With Somebody (Who Loves Me). Honestly, when students happen into my office and let’s say Whitney is playing, I try to make sure they know who she is and why she is important, for real.
The second song that really defines the late 80s for me, and if we are keeping to the three top divas of the time, is Madonna’s Open Your Heart. I have heard that Madonna is performing this song on her current Rebel Heart Tour, which makes me happy. There were very few things that my parents forbid my brother and I to do, to watch or to listen to, but Madonna, especially Papa Don’t Preach was on that short list. Somehow Open Your Heart was not on that list and I remember over and over watching that video on MTV. My dad owned a fedora, though it was more of a beach hat, I wore that and danced like Madonna and the little boy all over my house. I do remember thinking less about Madonna’s spiky bustier leotard and way more about how I thought that boy was cute. Remember I was all of 11 at the time. Another thing I never noticed then, or didn’t think about, is that in the opening of the peep show there are two sailors sitting arm and arm together. Madonna pushing the limits of equality even in 1988!! When Madonna would hang her head way back over the chair and slide off that black wig to reveal her short blonde cut, I died every time! Still do! Finally, when the boy and Madonna dance shoulder to shoulder at the end of the video, I was so jealous and would fantasize that that was me dancing with Madonna, for real! What a fantastic, fantastic late 80s song that had such a big impact on me and my love of music. It truly is, maybe besides Borderline the first Madonna song that I absolutely loved, oh and Material Girl too. But anyway, it really set a tone for the type of music I would gravitate toward throughout my life. “Open your heart with the key. One is such a lonely number.” Yup, longing, loving, schmaltzy, can’t live without him songs. All of that, and a gay reference in 1988, Way to go Madonna!
Finishing up three of my defining late 80s diva pop hits history, The Pleasure Principle by Janet, “Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.”
This was a 1987 hit and seventh single from her Control album which was a pretty big success for Janet, but nothing like her next two albums would prove to be. The Pleasure Principle was Janet’s first real dance video that I remember. It reminded me so much of Ren McCormick in Footloose dancing in the grain elevator. Don’t get me started on the importance of that movie in my life. HA! Anyway, TPP as you can now imagine, was acted out, many, many times in my basement and in my garage as I would try to recreate Janet’s passion. I’m not much of a technical dancer, so I would go more for the passionate hand to forehead move and throwing my body up against the wall. Oh and the taking off of the jean jacket and swinging that about. That was good too. I loved the part where she danced in front of the wood slats with light shining through and in front of the mirrors. This was a perfect dance hit.
So getting back to the late 80s pop history for my student. It really only included the Whitney portion, but brought back many memories of these other two hits as well. I’m sure my student was thankful for the lesson. We then talked about Carly Rae and her super cool pop album that really should be a much bigger hit.
Stop! Stop right now what you are doing and go listen to these songs from Carly Rae Jepsen’s album Emotion.
Run Away With Me
Boy Problems
Favourite Colour
Making the Most of the Night
Lets Get Lost
Your Type
All That
LA Hallucinations
I Really Like You
Seriously, listen to this album now! It is just as good, if not BETTER than Swizzle’s 1989, also a great pop album, but CRJ can ACTUALLY hold a tune!
I don’t remember where I read or heard this recently, online or NPR, but whatever it was, it said that after the age of 33 we really don’t choose to listen to music that is much different than the music we have always listened to. Thinking about this idea, it really is true for me. I don’t listen to much new music and if I do it really is pop stuff, like Carly Rae’s new album. My music interests and the artists I most listen to now are those from the late 80s and early 90s, for the most part. These were all pivotal influences on my life, especially my life in music. Dick Clark famously said, “Music is the storybook of our lives.” What a true statement. When you think about it, music can take you back to good times, sad times, happy times, bitter times, fun times, really the storybook of our lives. Go enjoy some music from your past and take a walk down memory lane, then listen to Emotion by Carly Rae Jepsen!
It’s been 25 days since the Supreme Court of the United States ruled in favor of equal rights and equal dignity for all Americans. Call it Gay Marriage, call it Marriage, call it what it is, a Human Right that is afforded to Americans based on our Constitution. I’ve been meaning to write about this momentous day for a few weeks, but just haven’t had a chance. I also wanted it to settle in and I wanted to feel it. On June 26, 2015 LOVE did win.
We should never let anyone into our hearts if they don’t enter with love. With all the hatred around the SCOTUS decision and the fight over equal rights, “Love Wins” is one of the truest messages. As the late, great Whitney Houston once sang, “Your love is my love and my love is your love.” We all love. We all want to love. We all want to feel love. If two men or two women find love, let it be, please! Who’s to say that your love is more right than my love or my love is more right than your love? Life, this journey, is hard enough, why make it harder by fighting over love? Let love be. Let us move forward allowing everyone to love.
So here’s my perspective as a non-religious gay man, it’s a separation of church and state. Our forefathers wrote that into the constitution for a reason. For so many years I have been arguing the point that I’m not asking to get married in your church. I’m not religious, so I would never get married in a church. If you want to that is wonderful, for you. “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness” is part of the Constitution(state, “government”), and if my happiness means marrying a man, then I get to do that. Marriage comes in two forms. There is a ceremony(the church if you choose) and there is the license. With the legal part of a marriage license come rights that heterosexual couples have always had. These are the law, not the Bible. These are the state, not the church. No matter what you believe marriage is, one man, one woman…two men or two women…everyone should be given the same legal rights of marriage because we live in America and we all should be afforded the same rights. Now, because SCOTUS ruled in favor, it is the Law of the Land, as it should be, as it always should have been, as it now will be forever more.
Ever since President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage, I felt things would pick up speed, and they sure did. People have differing opinions on when and how Obama “evolved” into believing in the right for gay men and women to marry. He is a politician and our country is so divided that of course he didn’t come out and fully support gay marriage until after he successfully won his second term. Say what you choose, but what matters to me is that he did and I always felt he would, once he was a second term President. When President Obama took office two states recognized gay marriage, seven years later, all 50 states recognize it. I believe that when the leader of the free world came out and supported equal rights, the slope slipped in the right direction. Call it political posturing, or whatever, Obama had to do it the right way and he did. Thank you Mr. President!
Several years ago, my friend’s son wrote a letter to President Obama. He asked the President to pass a law so that I can get married. How wonderful, right? E has known me since the time he was born. He and his sister have grown up in a time that gay men and women have just been part of social media and their personal life. In my opinion, he’s been lucky enough to have several “Guncles” in his life, and we are lucky enough to have him in our lives. This now middle school boy just accepts love as love, couples as couples, people as people. My hope is that his generation is growing up knowing that “love is love”. They are going to be the first generation that doesn’t quite remember the time of marriage vs. gay marriage. He and his generation will know only, MARRIAGE.
Speaking of the younger generation, did you see this 7 year-old girl stand up to a homophobic preacher?
It’s quite wonderful that I was home in Michigan visiting my family the day of the SCOTUS decision. My five and six-year-old nieces’ take on the day’s events, “Can we be your flower girls and wear pretty dresses?” Again, this young generation will not remember a time when marriage was talked about separately. They will only know marriage as a celebration of love. How wonderful is that?
The sidewalk in Bronson Park, Kalamazoo, Michigan-June 26, 2015
So what does this all mean? I think Frank Bruni writes about it best in his article “Our Weddings, Our Worth” from the New York Times. It’s about worth. It’s about EVERY American feeling worthy and feeling noticed and feeling dignified. This blows my mind because it is exactly how I feel when Bruni writes, “And that’s because the Supreme Court’s decision wasn’t simply about weddings. It was about worth. From the highest of this nation’s perches, in the most authoritative of this nation’s voices, a majority of justices told a minority of Americans that they’re normal and that they belong — fully, joyously and with cake.” So what it means is that our young gay men and women can grow up in a time knowing that they belong and that they are normal and that they matter. And for me it means that I can get married and have cake!!
As all of this settles in, there are still haters, some of whom want to lead our country like Ted Cruz who is calling for states not to follow the law. Um, Ted, it’s the law. You have to follow it. Sorry dude! We must push that nonsense away(and not vote these bigots into office)and forge our path to love!! LOVE! While we do that, I would like to share some of my favorite moments and images of June 26th, 2015 and the days following via social media.
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The White House
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Our President 🙂
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Our Next President–Please?
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Police raising the Pride flag at City Hall in Chicago
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Niagara Falls
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What a week in US history
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A lot of work yet to accomplish
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This Instagram post from Bey
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That’s right, what makes being American and living in America so wonderful is that we can all have different opinions and we don’t have to agree on any of them. But, we should always be kind to one another and we all deserve the same rights. In the end, it’s about every American knowing that he matters, that she is worthy, and that we are all dignified. Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the most beautiful final paragraph in his majority opinion ruling.
No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right. The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed.
Now we move forward. Let’s call it marriage. Let’s call it celebrations of love. We’re all equal and we’re all deserving of human rights. We are all deserving of the rights afforded to all Americans. So go ahead, you can just call it MARRIAGE now.
Every year at this time I sit down to reflect on the past year. It all started several years ago when I read about Joni Mitchell putting together a CD of songs she liked from the year and songs that meant something to her. Ever since I have done the same.
I just reread My List 2013. Wow, what a dark year 2013 was and what a dark place I was in one year ago. 2013 started off great and 2014 ended in a fantastic way. The middle 12 months of 2013-2014 weren’t great, but the best news is that I survived! My List 2013 was pretty much about the darkness I was experiencing at the time. Songs like “Suitcase” by Emeli Sande-
“If you must kill me then please, please tell me why.” “I can’t stop my heart from leaving through the door.”
And every single lyric from Paloma Faith’s “New York”-
“He left me for another lady. She stood so tall and she never slept. He left me for another lady.” “Her name was New York, New York. And she took his heart away oh my. She had poisoned his sweet mind.”
But there was light and release in Nina Simone’s gorgeous “Everything Must Change.
“Everything must change. Nothing stays the same. Everyone will change. No one, no one stays the same.”
“There are not many things in life one can be sure of, except rain comes from the clouds, sun lights up the sky, hummingbirds fly. Winter turns to spring. A wounded heart will heal. Oh, but never much too soon. No one, and nothing goes unchanged.”
“Everything must change.”
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In 2014, so much did change. I lost the love of one of my best friends. I got back on my feet and felt the love of friends, old and new. I gained love like I have never known before from a man who says what he feels and means what he says. The love I have felt this year is like no other love I have felt in my life. He is generous and so kind, sassy and so fancy, loving beyond imagine. The second half of 2014 has certainly changed for the better; much much better!
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Heaven – Beyoncé
“Heaven couldn’t wait for you, so go on, go home.”
On December 31, 2013 we lost one of the best souls I knew, a legend in our own time, my friend Lesley. Those who knew her can remember her laugh, snarky remarks followed by a cackle, her wit, her generosity, and her love. When you met Lesley you instantly felt her warmth and her care. Lesley was my weeknight dinner buddy, travel roomie, fellow Spartan, and one of my closest confidants. She is so dearly missed.
My favorite Webs story goes like this:
The Ladies (my girlfriends) were sitting around reflecting on weddings. Pretty much everyone was married now except Lesley and me. Lesley, “I have to say, I was pretty lucky in brides maid dresses. You guys picked good ones.”
Amy: Well Matty is left.
Lesley: Matty would never make me wear ANYTHING ugly.
I miss you every day Lesley. Love.
Jealous – Beyoncé
I just love this song. That is all and that is why it made my list.
Oh and last winter SUCKED! The snow! The cold! The SNOW! There was one night in February that I went over to my friend Dennis’s condo and we intended to have a few drinks, order dinner, then head out to the bars. We had a few drinks. We ordered dinner. Then, we proceeded to sing and dance to Beyonce’s then new album until 2 a.m. Yes, it was a blast!
“I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer….”
Questions – Jon McLaughlin
“She’s asking a question, oh how will it be, after this next one eventually leaves me? How can a man be all that they say? All that I know is that men run away. I think I lose a little bit of me in every man that I see.”
In February I met a guy I liked. We seemed to connect. As I started to date again I was very honest with guys, “If you have any plans of moving away from Chicago, don’t date me.” This particular guy, “Oh no, I just moved back here to be with my family.” When the topic of New York City came up, “Oh I lived there when I was 24. It was great, but I’ve done that.” Six weeks later he moved….to New York City.
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April 27, 2014
I had dinner with a friend I met through my ex. She told me he had a new boyfriend. Enough. Enough!
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Heart of the Matter – India.Arie
This is a stunning, stunning song.
“I got the call today I didn’t want to hear, but I knew that it would come. An old true friend of ours was talking on the phone. She said you found someone.”
“I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it’s about forgiveness….forgiveness….even if, even if you don’t love me anymore.
Right to Be Wrong – Joss Stone
Remember Joss Stone from around 2002? She was going to be huge, the first Adele, but she never quite caught on here in the States. This past year I rediscovered my love of Joss and her debut album, Mind, Body, & Soul.
“Got a right to be wrong, so just leave me alone. Got a right to be wrong. I’ve been held down too long. I’ve got to break free so I can finally breathe. Got a right to be wrong. Got to sing my own song. I might be singing out of key, but it sure feels good to me. Got a right to be wrong, so just leave me alone.”
Grateful – Rita Ora
Life challenges us. We get up each day and realistically have no idea what may be put before us. What I know for sure is that through the last year and a half of learning from life, I’m grateful for the wisdom that has been bestowed on me by life. I would never wish emotional pain on anyone. It is awful and much more painful than physical trauma. At some of my darkest days the summer of 2013 I could barely get out of bed.
Now on the other side I can see all the experiences in life that I have been afforded because my past didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. I’m in such a better place personally. I have learned so much about my own strength. I am grateful for the life experiences in 2014 for they made me a better ME; A stronger ME; A ME who understands his worth and is not willing to compromise it for anyone.
“But I had to fall, yeah, to rise above it all. I’m grateful for the star, made me appreciate the sun. I’m grateful for the wrong ones; made me appreciate the right ones. I’m grateful for the pain, for everything that made me break. I’m thankful for all my scars, ‘cause they only made my heart grateful, grateful, grateful, grateful, grateful.”
Break Free (feat. Zedd) – Ariana Grande
This was the summer of Ariana. She’s been around over a year or so, but never broke into the pop arena like she did this past summer with “Break Free”, “Problems”, and “Bang Bang”. Is she the new pop diva?
“This is the part when I say I don’t wanna, I’m stronger than I’ve been before. This is the part when I break free cause I can’t resist it no more.”
Maps – Maroon 5
Last year’s List was filled with Maroon 5. They have a way of writing the perfect heartbreak anthem. This year I give you just one.
“Maps” is pure pop. Maroon 5 continues to write lyrics to speak to my life. There was a time I did not like them (“This Love” era), but that time is well over. They keep producing fantastic pop music. It’s just catchy and fun to sing!
“But I wonder where were you when I was at my worst, down on my knees.”
I Luh You Papi – Jennifer Lopez
As spring was turning to summer, my spirit had rebounded and this song was such a fun one to sing in the car. I have a co-worker whose maiden name was Pape (pronounced Pa-pi) so it was a fun June song to sing as we were getting ready for summer break and the adventures to be had in July and August.
Here It Comes (feat. Rick Smith) – Emeli Sandé
In late spring I got a Facebook message from a high school friend Dana, who I hadn’t seen in over 19 years. She was going to be in Chicago and wondered if I wanted to get together for a drink. I said of course. As I was riding the train downtown my friend Sarah texted me and said something along the lines of, “I can’t believe you are meeting up with Dana. You haven’t seen her in over 19 years.” My response, “I’m saying yes to life.” Right then and there my blog started in my head, www.sayyestolifeblog.com. I met with Dana and we both quickly went through 19 years of life. Then we settled in on relationships, the ups, the downs, the good , the bad, the joy, the sorrow, the clarity, the uncertainty. Dana encouraged me to turn my #100HappyDays Instagram posts into a blog. All in one 3-hour period of time on a May evening, my blog was started. From creating the title on the train ride down to meet Dana was the final encouragement that I needed. It all started then and there.
A week later Dana sent me this song, “Here It Comes”.
“Here it comes.” **DRUMS** Anthem! As I charge into my new life, a year after heartbreak, a new man emerges.
How Long Will I Love You – Ellie Goulding
Sometime in the spring this song was played as a cool down during yoga. Yoga was such an inspiration to me in 2014. Each day I practiced brought me closer to understanding and finding peace in my heart. I fell in love with the lyrics and the message at the end of this song. When I started my blog, www.sayyestolifeblog.com, I knew what my description would be.
“How long will I love you? How long will I need you? As long as the seasons need to, follow their plan.”
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Summer 2014
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Bang Bang(feat. Nicki Minaj & Ariana Grande) – Jessie J
The song of the summer? This song filled the radio stations all summer and fall. It is a trifecta of Jessie, Nicki, and Ariana. The “Moulin Rouge” of 2014!!
Jump (For My Love) – The Pointer Sisters
How could I forget to add this song to My List 2014. The Pointer Sisters performed at the Opening Ceremonies of the Gay Games in Cleveland. When “Jump(For My Love) came on the place went wild. I had a sneaking suspicion that the guy I was standing next to would become the man I would “Jump” for his love.
Cleveland, you rocked. You accepted us. You loved us. You rocked with us. Thank you. Forevermore, Thank you!
I’ll remember the people I met along the way. The German reporter who sat with me and interview me at a basketball game. The speedo clad, tatted up, nipple rings, overly tanned, slightly saggy older man in the swim competition. Erik, the teacher from Montreal, I sat with on my way to the 10K start line. We chatted about teaching and kids these days, and how Cleveland rocked the Gay Games. And there were the two Germans I ran with during the half marathon, Fritz and Michael. Once I realized they were in my age bracket, I left them in my dust. Sorry guys, it was nice chatting with you. There was the girl who waited on us for brunch following my race. “Did you guys participate? Did you win?” My response, “He’s a sliver medalist in volleyball. Mine is just a participation medal.” Haha, it’s fine. She said, “Oh cool. This is all so cool,” with a huge smile on her face. Finally, all of the guys I call my new friends. You know who you are and you are pretty awesome. It was a joy to participate with you and all the shenanigans. Thanks for opening your arms so wide to me.
The only thing missing from their GG9 Opening Ceremonies performance was one Pointer Sister(R.I.P.) and those dresses.
I love at 3 minutes when the synthesizers take it up a notch and octave. I get chills every time.
I Belong to You – Whitney Houston
There was a lot of talk about Whitney Houston in the later part of 2014 as a first ever Live album and an Angela Bassett directed biopic for Lifetime TV were being produced. I never need a reason to listen to Whitney, but I was also falling in love with a boy I met in July. For some reason I was drawn to the I’m Your Baby Tonight album, Whitney’s underrated and undersold third studio album released in November 1990. I listened mostly for “All the Man That I Need” but I rediscovered two fantastic R&B songs, “Lover For Life” and “I Belong to You.”
“All of my life I’ve longed for this, someone who makes me happy.”
“I’ve been to the bottom but I’m back on top. And I’m feelin’ the rhythm as we start to rock.”
What a wonderful feeling it is to love a guy who isn’t afraid to express his love. Bliss.
Didn’t We Almost Have It All – Whitney Houston
Throughout 2013 and 2014’s self-discovery for me, I realized what does NOT make a mutually fulfilling relationship and what DOES make a mutually fulfilling relationship. At the Gay Games in August my boyfriend and I were holding hands and laughing. A group of guys passed us and said, “Did you guys just meet?” Fake angry, we looked at each other and at them, “NO, we’ve known each other a LONG time….six weeks!” When you know, you know. He has brought such joy, fun, consistency, stability, and mutuality to my life. He also allows me to listen to Whitney, A LOT!
One song that we heard in the very early days of our meeting was “Didn’t We Almost Have It All”, and we still listen to it often. It might be about a relationship that didn’t work, but the root of the song, the message, is “Once you know what love is, you’ll never let it end.”
Listen to Whitney’s vibrato and purity. It’s a gift.
In September 1987, I remember waiting by the television in our family room for the live feed of Whitney in concert, singing her new single, “Didn’t we almost have it all. This Saratoga Springs footage became the official video for DWAHIA. Whitney starts out slow and gets to her soul roots at the end with, “Didn’t we, Didn’t we, Didn’t we almost have it all.”
“Cause once you know what love is, you’ll never let it end.”
Home(Live from The Merv Griffin Show) – Whitney Houston
In May 1983 Whitney Houston made her television debut on The Merv Griffin Show. She was 19 years old. This is an incredibly special performance. You can hear Whitney’s purity and undeveloped potential power. Two years later she would release her debut album, Whitney Houston, which went on to score award after award after award between 1985 and 1987.
This is another song played in yoga (to which I shed a few peaceful tears) this fall and I call it “going to church”. Yoga is my church and so is Whitney. Sunday mornings, whether in yoga or simply listening to Whitney, my boyfriend joins me, and I love it. That time is special.
“Time please be my friend and let me start again.”
“Living here in this brand new world might be a fantasy, but it’s taught me to love so it’s real to me.”
“And I’ve learned that we must look inside our hearts to find, yeah we gotta find, a world full of love, like yours like mine, like home.”
Fancy(feat. Charli XCX) – Iggy Azalea
Ok, I’m going to reference yoga again because it played such a huge role in my life in 2013 and 2014. There were nights that I did not want to be home alone so I would take two yoga classes after work. On the other side of that part of my life now, “Fancy” was a fun song played during yoga and a huge hit in 2014. It also describes my boyfriend, “fancy”. Recently at his work holiday party, “Fancy” was played as he made his way to the dance floor with his boss and his wife. “Fancy” is his song!
Night Changes – One Direction
Fine, yes, I still love a good boy band. Although One Direction has only been on my periphery, I saw them perform at the American Music Awards in November. It was so simple. I loved it.
Daily I think about my friend Lesley who passed away in January at age 38. I’m reminded that as we get older, the value of time with good friends and family should be cherished. It might be a special event or a special trip or just Sunday brunch, whatever it is, cherish the time because it can be fleeting.
“Having no regrets is all that she really wants.”
“We’re only getting older baby. And I’ve been thinking about you lately. Does it ever drive you crazy just how fast the night changes. Everything that you’ve ever dreamed of, disappearing when you wake up, but there’s nothing to be afraid of even when the night changes. It will never change me and you.”
I Wish You Would – Taylor Swift
You are witnessing history here. Yes, I am putting a T Swizz song on My List 2014. This is the very first time she has appeared on any of my lists. She drives me nuts. Her winning awards drives me nuts. However, her new pop album, 1989, is classic pop perfection. She writes catchy, can’t get out of my head songs. “I Wish You Would” is probably my favorite song from 1989. It’s pure pop and a throwback to music of the time, 1989!
**Sorry no video yet**
You and Me – You+Me
Alecia Moore, yes, Pink, has gotten together with some guy to create You+Me. “You and Me” was a free song at Starbucks in November. I got it. I liked it. Here it is.
“You and me were always with each other. Before we knew the other was even there. You and me, we belong together, just like the breath needs the air.”
Chandelier – Sia
SONG OF THE YEAR! (for me anyway). I love this song. There were times during marathon training on long Saturday morning runs I’d sing it to my friend JP. There were times in my car this fall that I would sing it at the top of my lungs as a release and empowerment anthem. There were times I would sing it at the top of my lungs just to sing at the top of my lungs(my vocal strength-the top of my lungs). Needless to say, it is a sing at the top of your lungs song. I even created in my head what I thought were the lyrics and to this day, my lyrics mean more to me and I sing them rather than the real thing.
My lyrics:
“I’m gonna fly like a miracle tonight. Fill my dreams in this life. I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier.”
Actual lyrics:
“I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night. Feel my tears till they dry. I’m gonna swing from the chandelier, from the chandelier.”
Other meaningful lyrics to me, a guy who finds strength and perseverance through song lyrics. There were times in early 2014 that I was still desperate to let go of something that wasn’t meant to be. There was still holdover from my breakup. But I so desperately wanted to move on. I wanted to find the strength but some nights I couldn’t.
“’Cause I’m just holding on for tonight, help me I’m holding on for tonight. On for tonight.”
But Chandelier is also an anthem of power for life. “I’m gonna swing from a chandelier.” Yes, yes I am and yes I will. Surely, the second half of 2014, finding love and living life with my love has been truly joyful. For anyone who has been in love before you know the feeling. It just makes your lens on life a little bit better, a feeling of swinging on a chandelier. Joy. Happiness. Love.
So I’m going to swing from that chandelier and I’m going to “fly like a miracle tonight” and I’m going to “live my dreams in this life.”
I am profoundly grateful and thankful that my parents did not make me play sports as a kid.
Growing up in Portage, MI, a town of about 50,000 people in Southwest Michigan, boys played sports. You went to the AYSO or South Portage Little League sign up on Saturday morning, picked up your box of World’s Finest Chocolate bars to sell, and you were a “member” of the stereotypical boy club. I guess the next step of membership was getting your uniform. To me that was the best part! I fondly remember my AYSO soccer uniform, white on one side and navy on the other. Reversible! Fancy! Though my storied sports career only spanned two seasons, fall for soccer and spring for t-ball, when I was 7 or 8 years old, I’m glad my parents had me try it out and I’m thankful beyond measure that they didn’t make me continue.
I was recently at a training workshop and the ice breaker the first morning was a name game. It was that morning that I actually got the idea for this post. We were to tell the story behind our name. The name game that day was very different from the name game the first day of acting class when I was 8 or 9 years old, but it took me right back to that place. It was a very excited and grateful place because my parents found something else for me to try, acting!! Let’s be real, I’m not sure why that wasn’t the first thing they suggested I do. Look how natural the microphone(or a wooden spoon as a mic) are in my hand as a child. Please also note the fashionista in training with suspenders and then THOSE shorts coupled with cowboy boots! I know for sure that I got that microphone and the boots for my 5th birthday! It was my GOLDEN Birthday!
But I remember that acting class fondly. I remember that I chose the monkey to represent me. We had to choose an animal that started with the first letter of our name. I remember doing face painting and improvisation and all sorts of other fun acting things. Man, I was far more suited for that type of thing than sports. Organizing oranges for halftime at soccer and picking grass were my favorite things to do. I can remember begging my soccer coach not to put me in. I hated it. And for baseball my mom and dad tell stories of being afraid I’d get hit in the head with a fly ball because I was out in the outfield, sitting down, playing with the grass. Was it my ADD or my hatred of sports? Either way, I had better things to do.
XOXO to my Mom and Dad for their love and support. You are the best!
What I know for sure is that in high school I was able to find my “club” in marching band. I loved those days. I loved band camp and Wednesday night rehearsals. Arriving early on Wednesday nights was common just so I could socialize with others. Looking back, finding a place, a group I fit in with was huge in my development. So was playing soccer and baseball and going to acting class. Every experience we have in life points us in the direction of where we need to go. We definitely do not see it at the time, but take a moment to look back on the fun times, the hard times, the crazy times, the dark times and think about it. Are you where you are now because of something that came out of those times? I bet the answer is yes. Although it wasn’t the social norm, I am where I am today because I chose not to play football after school, rather I went to a neighbor girls house and put roller skating and flag shows together to be performed in her garage. I remember riding my bike so fast past my childhood best friend’s house where the football game was going on, hoping no one would see me. The boys in my neighborhood could probably have cared less, they were great guys who always treated me well, but they knew I had different interest. And that is what I’m talking about here. Had my mom and dad not picked up on my varied interests and put me in an acting class at age 9, would I have had the confidence at age 13 to say, “no, I’m not playing football with you guys, I’m going to go put a show together”? The answer is probably no.
My parents never told me I couldn’t play dress up, although my mom’s old majorette skirt disappeared at age 4 and I’m still sad about that! One of my first memories was scouring, SCOURING the house in search of that skirt. I used to love dancing around to Barbara Mandrell.
The infamous skirt and I’m pretty sure that is a microphone in my hand and oh yes, gym socks!!
But isn’t it crazy that even at age 4 I knew I wasn’t supposed to do that and I never asked where the skirt disappeared to. My parents never stopped me from laying in front of the stereo on Sunday mornings listening to four hours of American Top 40 or watching Star Search on Saturday AND Sunday(the same episode twice). We got a family VCR for Christmas in 1986. My dad actually suggested that, “you might like to tape this show, Miss USA, tonight.” See Dad, you knew something even back when I was 10. He’s to credit for my vast pageant knowledge from 1987-1997. I can’t tell you how many people I scare with that knowledge, or connect with actually. Who knows what all the little things we pick up on along the way do for our development, but I’m certain that although I felt like I had to hide a lot of my interests growing up, my house was always a safe space to express myself. I so deeply believe that parents are just trying their best to raise decent human beings who can flourish in this world. Thank you Mom and Dad for allowing me to take my own path. At 38, I think I’m flourishing!
I was recently in a training and I have no idea why, but the phrase You Are Not Alone came to mind. It’s a mystery where this came from. You might instantly think about the Michael Jackson song from HIStory or that creepy video with then wife, Lisa Marie Presley. Or more seriously, you might think about times you are alone or feel alone. Feeling alone, loneliness, are they the same? Different? I myself am someone who needs very little alone time. An hour or two a week is fine by me. I don’t often feel the need of taking a break from others. This might be why, during a break-up, I felt so lonely. Or did I feel alone? What I did then for myself and what I see now, well over a year later, is that we are never alone. You Are NOT Alone.
By the encouragement of my friend Jeremy, during the summer of 2013, I started taking myself to brunch after Saturday morning long runs. This turned into an almost weekly venture during last year’s horrendous winter. During those times, going home and being at home was not a happy place for me. I did not want to be there, so I would take my Entertainment Weekly magazine to one of my favorite brunch spots, typically Taste of Heaven or Nookies, and I would boldly say, “Table for one” or “Just me today” and I would sit, by myself. However, I was never alone. I had my magazine and my coffee, things that bring happiness to me. I had the wait staff who grew to recognize me. One time my waiter even bought me breakfast. Taste of Heaven became my place, “where everybody knows your name.” Most of all, I had all the other people in the restaurant with me. Some would be laughing with friends and others, like me, were simply enjoying something they loved: food, coffee, reading, etc. I learned that being “alone” does not mean you are alone or lonely. I grew to love those Saturday morning dates with myself, my coffee, my magazine, and my other brunch lovers. It was something that put me out into the Universe to say, here I am. It’s me, Matty, and I’m living my life. If someone wants to join me, that would be lovely, but I can do this on my own too. I am not alone.
All during this enlightening time of my life I also started a daily event, meditation. Deepak Chopra and Oprah have a meditation series that is free for 21 days, then you can buy it. I believe they have about five in their series. On my birthday in 2013 the first of these meditation series began. I fell in love with the practice of meditation. Getting up at 5:30 a.m. weekdays was an all new experience. Some of the meditations were great and super meaningful, while others did not connect with me as much. But I loved the routine and the waking to about 30 minutes of quiet time before I would get out of bed. To this day I still try to meditate, though I do not do it nearly as often as I would like. It is another one of those things that I believe awakened me to the spirituality of the Universe. Here I am. It’s me, Matty, and I’m living my life. Recently in this series of meditations, Energy of Attraction, Oprah said, “Like attracts like. You attract who you are. Change your energy and you can change your entire experience of the world. Change your intention and you change your path.” I honestly believe that during that dark period of my life, finding something like meditation to connect me with the Universe was a changing force in my life. It gave me structure, which I desperately needed in order to put one foot in front of the other. It also gave me hope; hope that the Universe would see me out there trying and would feel my energy.
“You always have a place here, on your mat.”
On a particularly rough day last fall I remember getting the text from my friend Sarah that said, “You always have a place here, on your mat.” Her yoga instructor said that quote at the end of practice. It now always means something to me. I picked up the practice of yoga about a year and a half ago. Some nights, during the hellish winter of 2014, I would take a 4:30 Sculpt class and a 6:00 CorePower 2 class. Part of the reason was that it was always 80 or more degrees warmer in the studio than outside. The other part was that I did not want to be home. I did everything in my power to not be home alone. If I wasn’t out with friends for dinner I would go to yoga and just stay. My yoga mat is such a safe place for me. I am now in a much different place in life, but I keep my yoga practice going. I actually missed yoga during the 2014 marathon training season. I love that I am back to nearly daily practice. For me, yoga is an intense workout, but it is also spiritual, a time for me to find strength in myself. It is a time to find space between me and my day, me and the outside world. It is a time for me on my mat. I never feel alone with yoga because in my mind it connects me with the Universe. It puts my energy out there for all to feel. Here I am. It’s me, Matty, and I’m living my life. Just remember that your time on your mat is for you. You are never alone because you have yourself!
“And I’ve learned
That we must look inside our hearts
To find a world full of love”
What does lonely feel like? What does feeling alone feel like? How does feeling alone in an empty room differ from feeling alone in a room full of people? What I know for sure is that it feels all different for all of us. I am grateful to have learned even a little bit about looking inside my heart and knowing the difference for me between feeling alone and feeling lonely. However you are feeling, take the steps to get out there. Say YES! to Life. Do things that make you happy like yoga or meditation or taking yourself to brunch. Watch Whitney Houston videos, like me. Go watch a great film. Go sit at a bar, grab a drink and chat with the bartender or chat with other people sitting there. You are not alone. You are never alone, but you might have to take a risk once and a while to put yourself out there. Put your energy out in the Universe and I promise you this, it will come back in return. That I know for sure!
You might also like my blog post, “Single? You Don’t Have to Be Alone”:
“The strength of a man isn’t seen in the power of his arms. It’s seen in the love with which he embraces you.”
This past weekend I ran my fourth marathon(3rd Chicago)in three years. Each and every marathon I have completed has been a different experience. This past weekend I felt very much wrapped in love. The marathon route can be so fast and so looooong at times, but it is never a place I feel alone. The strength of a “man” as in “mankind” is shown with love and the embrace of people you know, people you love and who love you, training partners, and total strangers.
A post about love and embracing cannot go on without acknowledging those who could not necessarily come out to cheer me on, rather they supported me by donating to the Team to End AIDS/T2/AIDS Foundation of Chicago. WOW! At last count, I raised $2522.41. All of those people showed love and support by digging into their pockets and making a donation. I promise while I was running knowing that I had support all over the country did mean the world to me.
Look what your donations help do:
It’s not too late to make a donation either. Reach into your pocket and help support. Help change the story!
“You’re lookin’ strong Matty and the hair still looks great too.”
I had a moment with a total stranger. It was a five second friendship, but he totally understood me. He got me and my hair!! Seriously, the fan support for the Chicago Marathon is next to none. Of course there are 1.7 million spectators out there, most of whom are looking for their loved one, their friend, their co-worker, but there are also people who are just out to cheer and support. It is incredible the love and support for humankind that I feel while running the marathon. I always put my name on my shirt and it never fails that hundreds of people will shout it out, “Good work Matty!” “Way to go Matty.” “Looking good Matty.” People ask, “What do you do/think about for almost four hours? I watch the joy on spectator’s faces when they see their loved one. I get chills when I see runners turn around to give a hug to his friends. I listen for shrieks of elation as kids see their mom running strong. I look for the love that is shared for 26.2 miles. There are very few times in life that love is just shared without expectation. Running the marathon time and time again proves to me that it is possible. It is possible that humans will come out and support other humans, just because. Just because running 26.2 miles is f***ing amazing and hard and deserves to be cheered on. But also just because it feels good to support other humans doing something they love or running in honor of someone or something, or just supporting people who get this crazy idea that they are going to beat Oprah’s time(4:29:15).
I continue to run because it is the single thing in life that has brought me to a place of understanding what it feels like to be part of the team. Growing up I wasn’t an athlete. I wasn’t part of a team. Sure, I marched in band and sang in musicals, but nothing ever felt like a team until I started running. After my first marathon I began to get that feeling. Running on the Lake Shore path in Chicago I’d get a head nod here or a smile there from other runners. They understood what I was doing and I understood them, especially on those super hot days or cold days or rainy days when only us crazy runners go out. But not until last year did I truly understand what it is like to be part of a team. I joined the Team to Ends AIDS purely for two reasons: 1. To get a BIB for the New York City marathon and 2. To focus my energies on something good in midst of a break-up. Saturday after Saturday I would get up at 5 a.m. and head to the lake for a run. I’d meet my teammates, chitchat, and get to running. Week after week I would run with about the same crew as we were the same pace. Week after week we would chat about work, weekend plans, pains of running, fundraising, etc. Then, one Saturday as we got ready to run, one of my pace group leaders stood to give a talk. He raised his hand high with a green wristband acknowledging (+) his positive status. Then a few more guys came up and got wristbands. As I looked around, five of my 9 pace group running mates were HIV positive. No longer did I just join T2 to get into the NYC marathon, I was part of something much bigger. I was raising money and raising awareness for the HIV/AIDS epidemic. From that moment on, when I would go out running with my T2 shirt on and I’d hear other people on the path, “Go T2”, “Looking good T2,” I finally felt what it is like to be part of a team. I finally had that feeling that I so longed to have, that camaraderie that teammates share. I was part of a team that was raising money to help some of the very men I was running with week after week.
I run because it reminds me that I’m alive and that we don’t always know what the person next to us is going through on a daily basis, but they keep going, and I keep going because it brings me to life.
This past Sunday marked my second best time in a marathon, 3 hours, 50 minutes, 38 seconds. It’s an incredible time for me, not my best, but substantial nonetheless. When I tell people I was disappointed in my time, their mouths drop. Fine, fine, it is sub four hours and I will take it. What is more powerful than anything else is that I finished the race and kept that time. Everything was set-up to be perfect. The weather was in the low 50s, I trained since May, I took in fluids like I normally do and nutrition like normal too. At 13.1 miles I was at an 8:01 pace. At mile 15 I was at and 8:11 pace. For the first 17 miles I was well under my goal pace of 8:22/mile. After 18 miles, my legs started to get tired. Mile 19, my least favorite, I was sore. At mile 22 I saw the Team to End AIDS cheer bus. That gave me umph to keep going. Coach Chris caught up to me at mile 23. This is when my legs started to feel really tired and crampy, though nothing significant. With Coach Chris’s encouragement I kept running. When I’d try to stop and walk, he’d give encouragement. I made it to 40K where I saw all of my cheer crew together screaming, waving signs. I blew them a kiss.
There is no way I could move to the side of the road at that point. I had to keep moving forward. What seemed like an hour was really just a few minutes. I just wanted to be done. I crossed the finish line. DONE!
I didn’t meet my goal of under 3 hour 40 minutes, but it was still my second best race. Just a minute after finishing my legs seized up at the same time. The worst charlie horses I have ever experience hit my calves. My legs went into rigamortis. I screamed for Coach Chris. He finally heard me and came back. He dumped salt into my hand. I downed that and a banana. Along with a medic, he helped me hobble a little. Five minutes later the cramps subsided. Five minutes after that the right leg seized again. Three minutes after that the left leg seized. Finally after limping for 30 minutes I was at a bench surrounded by Gatorade, water, bananas and Coach Chris. He stuck with me when I know he wanted to greet others who had finished. He walked with me for another 20 minutes until we found my boyfriend. Coach Chris is my hero! I certainly would have finished the race, but not under four hours if he had not stuck with me. I choked back tears as he helped me, not because of the severe pain, but because he was there helping me and caring about me as a fellow runner and human.
Who wouldn’t keep running to see what signs would be pulled out next? I honestly had the best cheer crew ever. They chased me on bike and in car. Sarah and Patrick made the funniest signs and hustled to three different locations on the marathon route. Two of my favorites:
“If marathons were easy they’d be called your mother.”
“It may be long and hard but Matty can take it!”
My friend Dave drove Kurt, Matt, and Artur around to two different locations. When I woke up marathon morning, I saw this sign on the table, Love and Whitney.
It takes a special boyfriend who cares to spend hours making a sign with Whitney Houston lyrics on it. I feel loved. I feel wrapped in love by my boyfriend, my cheer crew, my coaches, my family, and all of the people who have donated to the Team to End AIDS/AIDS Foundation of Chicago. On the marathon path it can get long out there but my cheer crew gave me such strength and energy, especially at 40K when I was tiiiiiirrrrrrrrrreeedd and just wanted to be done. Their love of me gave the extra gusto I needed to make it to the end. The cheering crowds up Michigan Ave. and rounding the corner at Roosevelt gave me the push I needed to step foot across the line. 26.2 miles, yes that is an accomplishment and with dedication I have trained my body to complete it. But I feel most accomplished in life because I am able to surround myself with some of the most amazing and loving people. Some I know from high school and some I’ve more recently met. What made me feel better than anything else on Sunday was that I felt wrapped in love by people I know and by total strangers. When you find love, whether of a friend or lover, cherish it. It keeps us going.
“‘Cause once you know what love is, you’ll never let it end.”
Back in 2011 I set out to run a marathon for one of my milestone birthdays and to check that off my bucket list. Little did I know, I would be up to four marathons (3 under 4 hours) and more than anything, that I would inspire others to run.
Back in high school I hated running. Hated it! I could barely run a mile, or more so, had little desire. After my first marathon in 2011, I wanted to do it again and again and again. Last year I ran Chicago and two weeks later New York City. Since all of this running, several people from my past have messaged me to let me know that I inspired them to start running. Some have kept to the 5 K race while another, Leah, reached out to me and I encouraged her to train and run one. Just as it got me through a rough spot in my life, it did her too. Now she is set to run TWO marathons within 2 or 3 weeks this fall. I commend her and honor her here. She is inspirational. And she’s a running rockstar mom. Go get that course and run your heart out Leah!! I am with you in spirit. If you want a few signs, I have some great ones you can borrow!!
So what is this long blog post all about? Running? No. The marathon? Not really. Signs of encouragement? So awesome, but no. It’s about l-o-v-e. It’s about humans supporting humans; strangers supporting strangers. This blog post is about getting out there in life and keeping going even when it’s hard. It’s about putting one foot in front of the other and why you do that is because of love. You do it because people love you and YOU LOVE YOURSELF. You are important to a lover, or a friend, or a niece or nephew or family member. If you’re really lucky you have all of the above and even if you don’t, just know that somewhere out there, whether it’s on a marathon course or just walking the streets of your town, someone you don’t know, a total stranger, supports you. And, if you are very lucky in life, you are surrounded by love always. Look around, it is there. Wrap yourself in love.
Let me take you back, it’s February 10, 2002 and you are watching the final episode of the best Sex and the City season, Season 4. Carrie and Aiden broke up again, Big left again, but Carrie has a new, sassy haircut and dark smokey eyes. It’s Fall, change is upon Carrie, not only with men, but Miranda, her bestie just had a baby. It’s Fall, the change of a season, leaves are falling from the sky and a lot in Carrie’s life has changed.
Today is a crisp day in Chicago and I sense the change of season is upon us. As I drove home from yoga I couldn’t help but notice the leaves are changing colors. Thirty minutes earlier I was at the end of my yoga practice, in shavasana. I was feeling great. Many of my favorite teachers have left, but this new one, Lauren, captured me. As I laid there I reflected on the place I was a year ago. Although I was working so hard on getting past a breakup, I was still very much hurting on a daily basis. I’d say to myself, “You can do this. You aren’t where you want to be but you are so far from the pain you felt in May and June and July.” As soon as I felt strong, it seemed I felt weak again. Each day was still a struggle, but I was making it. I was making each day the best I could make it. I was heavy into marathon training and into yoga practice. However, today, as I lay there on my mat I felt completely different. A year later I feel completely different. I’m energized like myself. I feel a release of energy that is so true to my being. A year ago my intention in practice was healing, today my intention was love. I just had this feeling on my mat today of AHHHHHH, changes have occurred and actually, I’m a far happier person because of those changes. I’m in a far better place because of those changes. Gosh it was a long journey, through many seasons, but I made it to the other side. On a daily basis I did not see where I was headed, but what I know for sure, is that each day of the past 365 days, I was exactly where I was supposed to be. And right now, September 11, 2014, I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I would never wish upon anyone to go through heartbreak. It sucks! But now, very far from it, with clear eyes and a full heart, I can clearly see the changes that the past 16 months have afforded me. What should be known is that each day isn’t easy. You have to make an effort to move forward and let go. My god did I struggle with letting go. But once I did, doors opened. New people came into my life and because of those new people, other people came into my life. I started this blog because I finally let go. I participated in the Gay Games in Cleveland because I finally let go. I have a different energy in my life now because I let go. And honestly, I’ve packed on 10 lbs. because I LET GO! Let’s be honest, crying daily and not eating and training for a marathon can take you down to 168 lbs., but sitting at 178 lbs., a year later, I’m a much happier, energized person.
I remember back in July last year, I was sitting at my doctor’s office with a broken heart and broken hand. She said, “Wow, you’re really going through a season, but don’t worry, it will get better. Everything changes, you just have to hold on for a little bit before you see it. Your hand will mend, and so will your heart.” I of course was sobbing, but she was right. My hand did heal and so did my heart. I had to fucking tape that shit back together somedays, but with each stick of new tape and each step of the day, it all got better. With friends’ help, oh friends’ help, I made it to my yoga mat today where I realized how far my journey has taken me and how far I have come. If you find yourself in a similar situation, just hold on. Surround yourself by loving friends and get a whole mess of tape because it could take a lot of mending before it all sticks back together. But you have to believe that one day, your heart will stick all back together. It may never feel the same way, but I believe that is ok. It’s not meant to feel the same way. Your heart changes too, just as you do. You will always love again, just in a different way. Thank your journey for teaching you all kinds of ways to love. And remember this, seasons are going to happen, some of them good, some of them not so good. You will make it to the other side.
Oh, no truer words have been written, no truer words. A year ago I was just starting to take longer steps in a forward progression to letting go. As I reflect, I realize that I needed ALL of that time to learn about myself and heal and tape my heart up and tape again and accept the changes and SEE how wonderful the experiences I’ve lived this year have been. A month ago I was coming off the greatest 10 days at the Gay Games in Cleveland. Had I still been living my life of 2012-2013, I would never have experienced the love, joy, and excitement of being a competitive athlete at the Gay Games. CHANGE, I don’t love it, but it brings us to where we need to be. It forces us to veer off course and perhaps make our fate. If things in my life hadn’t changed, I would not be sitting here today typing and sharing my writing. So many parts of my life, right now, wouldn’t be as they are had things not changed. Am I going to say it? Change, change is good.
As seasons come and go, often fall, is a time of reflection as spring is a time of new hope, new adventures. Winter is a time for, well, winter sucks, but summer, summer is a time for fun and joy. My hope for you, as autumn seems to be upon us, is that you had a wonderful summer filled with more joy and love than you could ever imagine. I hope that new people have brought joy and love to your life, as they have to mine, and I hope your dearest friends have remained that consistent joyful reminder of happiness and how far you have come on this journey. I hope that autumn brings you a time of reflection, a nice new sweater and good changes.
Where do I begin? Spending 10 days in Cleveland, OH last week for the Gay Games #GG9 was incredible, amazing, fulfilling, and totally unexpected. I guess I knew the Games were being held in Cleveland, but I didn’t give it any thought to participate. Life sort of had its way of happening and I had my way of Saying YES to Life and well, I ended up in Cleveland as an athlete in the Gay Games 9. What I didn’t know when I signed up is how much fun it would be, how many people I would meet, and how significant it would feel to participate in an international event that happens every four years. Cleveland opened it’s arms to the world, and we all answered back.
Cleveland? Really? THAT is the city that they chose to host the 2014 Gay Games? Eight years ago it was in Chicago. Four years ago the Games were held in Cologne, Germany. Cleveland, Ohio? How the hell did they beat out Boston, Washington D.C. and New York City? That I cannot tell you the answer to, but I can tell you that those other three cities are pretty progressive. Gays are totally boring in those cities. The significance of hosting an international event like the Gay Games allowed a humble Mid-West city to become exponentially more progressive and what a job they did. Everywhere we walked there were rainbow flags hanging from businesses and on lamp posts. The most iconic building of the city (above) was lit up in a rainbow of color every night as if a beacon saying, “Gays, we love you too and you are welcome in our city.” Never once did I see a protester. Never once did I feel uncomfortable holding hands. Never once did I hear a shout of negativity. I felt accepted and loved and full of joy for 10 days in Cleveland. As I said when I left on Sunday, Well done Cleveland. Well done.
Tom Waddell founded the Gay Olympics in 1982 on the principle
that competition can overcome division and prejudice.
The purpose of the Federation of Gay Games is to foster and augment the self-respect of lesbiansand gay men throughout the world and to engender respect and understanding from thenongay world, primarily through an organized international participatory athleticand cultural event held every four years, and commonly known as the Gay Games.
Not only did I want to participate as a runner in the Games, but I wanted to take them in like Princess Kate and Prince William did with the London Olympics. Much like Kate, I donned my finest attire to attend the diving practice, and the swimming competition and even a basketball game and party after party after party. I wasn’t nearly as pretty, but I did my hair real nice. At the basketball game I met a reporter from Germany who sat next to me. We chatted about the significance of the Games in Cleveland. He is from Cologne, the host four years prior, and his friends told him the festivities were way more outrageous than in Cleveland. While chatting, he asked me why I felt the Games were so significant. What I told him is that Cleveland is still in the Mid-West and there is still a lot of growth that needs to happen. But unlike Boston, D.C., Chicago, or NYC, Cleveland offered an opportunity for residents of a fairly conservative area of the country to be exposed to more GAYS than they knew existed! The city was drooling with gays. Like I said, the city and businesses embraced us all. I chatted with a girl at the Starbucks who asked about the Games. She had no idea that they are held every four years in an effort to spread tolerance and the message of acceptance and inclusion. She simply thought her home city was doing something really cool. Yes, everyone is included in the Gays Games, even our straight friends. At swimming and diving I saw people who were most likely in their fifties competing. One man did a belly flop, twice, but he was accepted and a little tolerated, and he was most of all, having fun. So my conversation with the German reporter continued. I think it was only because I had my hair real nice, like Kate, remember? I finished with this. It may not be the flashiest or most outrageous of Games, but I feel like Cleveland is a success because it furthered the push for acceptance and tolerance in an area of our country that so desperately needs to get on board with all of that. Ohio, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, they are all on the wrong side of history and the exposure that the Gay Games has given the city of Cleveland, the state of Ohio and it’s residents, I hope, will begin to put the rest of the Mid-West on the right side of history.
So what was it like? Well, if I could win a gold medal for party participation, I would have. The gays know how to throw a party. I knew if the kick-off party at the art museum Friday night followed by the Opening Ceremonies(Lance Bass-bad; Pointer Sisters-fabulous)Saturday night of opening weekend were any indication, this week would be fab, fab, fab. It was exhilarating to march in the opening ceremonies that hosted more athletes than the Sochi Olympics, probably because the gays weren’t afraid for their lives to attend this event. We marched into the Q Arena to a huge party with thousands of fans. Senators welcomed us. The Mayor of Cleveland welcomed us. President Obama welcomed us. But most of all, Cleveland welcomed us. One thing we all wished was that Lance Bass had NOT welcomed us. He was kind of awful. However, the Pointer Sisters, rocked the house. “Jump for my love. Jumpin’ and feel my touch. Jump Jump For My Love.” We went to the White Party and of course, as the gays would have it, it poured rain and turned into a huge wet t-shirt orgy. Ok, that didn’t happen, but Boy George was there spinning some great tunes. House of Blues hosted a party. Hotels hosted parties. Bars hosted parties. Festival Village hosted parties. I don’t think we got to bed once before midnight. Of everything, the post-closing ceremony party might have been my favorite one. The Games were over and we all relaxed and drank and tossed flowers at each other and danced and made friends and had the time of our lives. Most of the guys I had just met that week but we simply had the best of times. So really, I guess it was a huge party with a few athletics thrown in for good measure.
The above sign is one I never thought I would ever follow in my life. Growing up, my brother was the athlete in the family. I tried soccer one fall and asked my coach incessantly if I could organize the oranges for halftime rather than play. The following spring I gave t-ball a shot. My parents were frighted for my life, and probably a little embarrassed, when I sat down in the outfield and picked grass with my back to the game. I wasn’t an athlete. My freshman year of high school, during PE class, my teacher, the high school swim coach, asked me to join the swim team after he watched me swim. As an overweight kid, living in the shadow of my all-star athlete brother, I didn’t even give it a thought. Well, that is wrong, I thought, “I’d love to swim, but what do I show up the first day in? A speedo? A regular swimsuit? I’m not an athlete.” I just didn’t have the confidence to pull it all together. So I did my thang in marching band and musicals and had a great experience. It wasn’t until 2011, after my first marathon, that I felt even remotely athletic. Even then I’d tell people, “I’m not an athlete. I just run.” Finally, last year after running two marathons in three weeks, and posting sub-four hour finishes in both, I felt like an athlete. When the opportunity arose to participate in the Gay Games I did not even think twice. I went for it. I ran three events, the 5K, 10K, and Half Marathon. In each event I posted new personal records, crushing all of my previous times. My best race, the 10K, I was 5th in my age bracket, just missing a medal. I kind of felt like Michelle Kwan, always the bridesmaid. Whaaa Waaaaaaaaa! But that doesn’t matter, what is important is that it might have taken a long, long time, but at 38, and Saying YES to Life, I finally call myself, an athlete.
Look at that amazing bouffont at 6 a.m. Now that is a GAY ASS ATHLETE!
My takeaways from the week:
Cleveland, you rocked. You accepted us. You loved us. You rocked with us. Thank you. Forevermore, Thank you!
I’ll remember the people I met along the way. The German reporter who sat with me and interview me at a basketball game. The speedo clad, tatted up, nipple rings, overly tanned, slightly saggy older man in the swim competition. Erik, the teacher from Montreal, I sat with on my way to the 10K start line. We chatted about teaching and kids these days, and how Cleveland rocked the Gay Games. And there were the two Germans I ran with during the half marathon, Fritz and Michael. Once I realized they were in my age bracket, I left them in my dust. Sorry guys, it was nice chatting with you. There was the girl who waited on us for brunch following my race. “Did you guys participate? Did you win?” My response, “He’s a sliver medalist in volleyball. Mine is just a participation medal.” Haha, it’s fine. She said, “Oh cool. This is all so cool,” with a huge smile on her face. Finally, all of the guys I call my new friends. You know who you are and you are pretty awesome. It was a joy to participate with you and all the shenanigans. Thanks for opening your arms so wide to me.
Our straight allies who participated in the sports or volunteered or simply cheered us on, as the MC of the Closing Ceremonies said, “Where are our straight people? We love straight people. We need you to make more of us.” Isn’t that the truth. Thank you for making us and loving us!
This:
This too:
Oh and This:
And This Too:
It was an incredible week filled with amazing feelings of joy and memories to last a lifetime. My friend Matt captured many of the finest moments in this video that played at the closing ceremonies(find him at mattquinncreative.com). If you watch closely, you might recognize one of the athletes at 1 minute 40 seconds. Matt’s video captures how it felt to participate and spend 10 days at #GG9.
Yup, I’m lucky and so are the thousands of gay men and women I spent time with and competed against in the Gay Games. Our world has changed immensely in the eight years since Chicago hosted the games. What will the world be like for us gays in 2018 when Paris hosts us? Yes, us, I say. US! We’re going!
I leave you with this charming, charming little conversation that will live on and on. “You are the SILVER medalist in volleyball,” I lovingly said to my guy. “And you honey beat the fastest woman in the 10K!”
Say YES to Life 