I Am Gay: Live Your Truth

Published on March 22, 2018March 22, 2018 by MattLeave a comment

live-your-truth

For so many reasons recently, I have been thinking about living my truth and how I got to this point. First of all, my spiritual force, Oprah, has been talking a lot about living your truth. Secondly, I just recently got married to *gasp* a man, my truth. Thirdly, the motion picture Love, Simon was released nationwide last weekend. Lastly, but I don’t promise to go in this order (the English teacher in me is disappointed but I need to just write) the new Queer Eye on Netflix has me crying like a baby each episode. So for all of these reasons, I have just been thinking about my truth and my coming out and my years spent in the closet and how all of it might have been different if the media coverage today of gay men and women was out in the 90s or if the messages in movies and tv were what they are now. Back in the 90s, a lot of my coming out would have been different, and much sooner, than the age of 26, that I know for sure.

Let us begin with Mother Oprah, my force, my leader, my guide. I love her. The above quote is from her Golden Globes speech back in January 2018. “What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we have.” Wow-yes it definitely is and recently I have been having conversations with some of my students about speaking their truth and because of those conversations I have given some long thought about my truth and how it came to be and why it came to be the way it did. I also heard on a podcast today Oprah say, “Every person who comes to Earth has a responsibility to seek the truest, highest expression. And the keyword is true…the responsibility is how do you not just speak the truth but how are you the truth? The responsibility is to show up in that which is the most authentic truthful version of yourself.” Wowza that is a lot, right? My teenage self wouldn’t have been able to digest that, but my 41-year-old self say hell yes and what I do with that is take on the responsibility to show up as the most authentic version of myself and share my story and live my truth.

MY CLOSET

Let’s be truthful here, I love clothes and I love shoes and my closet is full of both. Now THAT is a great closet. But you know what isn’t a great closet? The gay closet that I and so many people live or lived in for years. People ask me when I knew I was gay and I always say that I knew I was different around 3rd Grade. That was the first time I can place a feeling I had about a boy I knew. It was a feeling of excitement in my tummy when I spent the night at his house, in his bedroom. THIRD GRADE y’all! Then in 6th Grade when I knew much more about what was going on with girls and boys, I knew that changing for PE meant getting down to our underwear to put on our shorts and t-shirt and I didn’t hate it. Hahahah I didn’t hate it because it meant I got to see boys. Now what I did with that information was suppress it down to the deepest place in my subconscious because I didn’t know what to do with that information. There just weren’t examples for me to look up to or strive to be like or just to know that it is ok. There was also a lot of hate. In 7th Grade, minding my own business walking to class, someone for the first time in my life called me a faggot. I can still see his face, clear as day, in my mind. That reprehensible word has so much negativity and hate and for me, fear attached to it. Now people were starting to notice I was different and they were calling me out and now I have to suppress my sexual orientation even more. That was fear and not understanding and not knowing who or if I had anyone I could talk to about my feelings. I remember telling my dad about that incident and he asked, “Where you walking really fast?” Obviously he had some stereotypes in his head too, but he tried to help me make sense of it.

In the new Queer Eye on Netflix in episode 4 a closeted gay man gets made over and comes out to his stepmom. I sobbed like a baby, on the plane, over that moment. But what one of the cast members said stuck with me when he talked about his coming out and having to climb over “the wall” of three words — I AM GAY. Those three words were the hardest three words I have ever had to say. It still gives me a feeling in my stomach thinking about the night I told my parents. What I know now is that they love me no matter what and their reaction, staring at the wall, was out of fear; fear that my life would be harder and subject to discrimination and childless and partnerless and lonely. None of that is true. Maybe childless, but I chose that, and maybe I experienced a little discrimination or hate over the years, yes, but really, none of those fears came true. But they all shadowed my life and why I kept things in the closet for so long. One other thing I want to say here, about that night in 2002, is that I didn’t understand that sharing this piece of me wasn’t just about me. Parents have to go on their own journey too because mostly out of fear, but also out of the need for a moment to digest things. Wilson Cruz of My So Called Life fame recently said in a podcast, “They [parents] are really amazing now. They had to go on their own journey and I needed to support them in that. When we come out to people it’s not just about us, right? Yes it’s our experience and we’re sharing our lives with people but I think we need to be generous in that moment, as well, to the people we’re coming out to and give them a minute to adjust and digest and then give them permission to show up for you. But it’s not necessarily going to happen right away, and that’s ok.” I wish I had handled my parents a little more gently. I mean, I was surprised they were surprised considering all of my childhood interests, but they were nonetheless. I started shoving it down their throats bringing up how hot Brad Pitt was and always wanting to talk about celebrity men, just to see their reaction. Calm down and give them a minute, is what I wish I had done. Regardless now of where I am or how I got here or how long I took to stay in the closet, I’m here now and I’m living my truth for the past 16 years.

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One more thing about growing up in the 90s and living in the closet. I loved season three of The Real World San Fransisco. Pedro Zamora was my first introduction to a mainstream gay person on television. I watched the show religiously each week and each week I watched this gay man live his truth, with AIDS. This was an extremely admirable thing that Pedro did and a gift that he gave to all of us. Yet, as a 15-year-old, closeted gay boy in small town Michigan, it was also incredibly fear inducing. HIV? AIDS? The only thing I knew about those letters was that it meant you were gay and it meant you were going to die. Pedro did die. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to get HIV. And there you have a huge reason why I suppressed my feelings and my true self for so many years. I was uneducated and as much work as Pedro did on the show TO educate me, fear won out in my head for far too long. Part of it was just the way of life back in the 90s and I think, what if I was a teenager now, would I still be scared? Sure, I am positive there would still be fear, but all of the information and media coverage that we have now about HIV, it is a very different time. So thank god for Pedro and for his education of us all, but with it came a cost, a fear for me.

Love, Simon

Now here we are in 2018 and there is a major motion picture out in theatres called Love, Simon.

“No matter what, announcing who you are to the world is

pretty terrifying, ’cause, what if the world doesn’t like you?”

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“P.S. It doesn’t seem fair that only gay people

have to come out. Why is straight the default?”

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What would it have meant to my 15-year-old self had this movie been out in the 90s? What would it have meant to my parents at the time? How would my life be different now? I’m positive my life would be slightly different but not that much. I’m here and I’m queer and I have a wonderful life. I might have come out a lot younger. My parents might have had a different experience the night I climbed over the “WALL” — I AM GAY. But we all get to our truth when we are supposed to get to our truth. We all, I hope, will eventually live our truth. I hope that each person out there, gay teens, straight teens, people of all kinds, find the power in speaking their truth.

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Whether you’re lucky enough to be gay or not —

Find Your Truth.

Speak Your Truth.

Live Your Truth.

I Have a Crush & His Name Is Adam Rippon

Published on March 1, 2018March 1, 2018 by MattLeave a comment

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Don’t get all excited. My crush isn’t romantic at all, more I’m crushing on Adam Rippon because of the role model status he now has as the first openly gay athlete to qualify for the Winter Olympics. What a joy it is to know that there are so many people out their for our young, questioning LGBTQ+ youth to look up to. When I was young I didn’t really have anyone. Gay men were not in the media except Liberace and eventually Elton John but I didn’t relate to them. Now, just within the last few years and especially right now there are so many different examples of real and fictional people who are role models and what a breath of fresh air!

“I always felt like it was really important for me to share my story ’cause like when I came out, I did that because when I was young, I didn’t really like have any role models and um, I wanted to share my story and kind of normalize it a little bit. And I think it is really important especially in this day and age to share who you are; share your story, especially as a gay athlete.” ~Adam Rippon

And there you have it, my crush because he is unabashedly himself. He is snarky and flamboyant and talented and athletic and full of heart. Adam Rippon is out there setting an example and being himself and sharing his confidence and love and spreading joy. I will admit, my first encounter with Adam was back in January at the National Skating competition. I felt he came off confident and charming, but almost arrogant. That all changed a couple of weeks ago when I started watching the Olympics, watching his interviews, and following him @adaripp and @NBCOlymics on Instagram.

**And then there is this one!**

Let’s be honest here, as a young boy growing up there were not role models. I mean, I loved Whitney and pageants, but I couldn’t talk about that but I didn’t feel safe really talking about that and there wasn’t someone older out there, gay, saying he was interested in the same stuff. I watched the “Battle of the Carmens”, Katarina Witt vs. Debbie Thomas, and the “Battle of the Brians” Brian Orser vs. Brian Boitano, at the 1988 Olympics in Calgary. I loved it. Those were the first Winter Olympics I remember. The red and black sparkles of the ladies’ outfits and the military spandex of the men.

But it wasn’t until 1992 in Albertville that I really fell in love with skating. Kristi Yamaguchi was everything in my world at that moment. I had articles and photos taped to my bedroom walls. I remember the night of the short program I had a band concert and I was so upset that I was going to miss her performance. Luckily I taped it on the VCR. I was 15 at the time. After that Winter Olympics I got rollerblades and I created programs in the street and at the neighbor’s house. Of course I couldn’t jump, but I was doing triple toe loops in my head with music blaring from my boombox.

Figure Skating - Kristi Yamaguchi

A few weeks ago, when Adam Rippon hit the Olympics and landed an expert program to help the USA bring home a team bronze, there was so much buzz. I read this article from Vanity Fair and basically I could have written it myself. It is everything I think and feel from back in those days and coming full circle today.

The Bittersweet Beauty of Adam Rippon

How much an out gay Olympian could mean to a kid now–or to a 34-year-old who’s been waiting for it his whole life.

https://www.vanityfair.com/style/2018/02/adam-rippon-gay-olympic-athletes

The subtitle says it all. It could read, “A 41-year-old who’s been waiting for it his whole life” and that would be me. So here I am thinking how wonderful a time it is to live, minus all the news out of Washington D.C., for many of our LGBTQ+ youth. Yes, there are still attacks on transgender rights and that has to stop, but for a brief moment in time, Adam Rippon captured the conversation of a nation. Everyone was talking about Adam. And because of that and all the media coverage, some little boy in Nebraska, who hasn’t quite figured himself out, but now knows that there are people out there like him and Adam and me, who might now feel just a little bit more confident that, everything will be ok.

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Recently, Oprah made headlines with a speech she gave at the 2018 Golden Globe Awards. It was a very powerful speech for many reasons. She spoke about the #METOO campaign and she talked about living your truth. When we live our truth we put out there positive energy that not only helps us, but undoubtedly helps someone else who might be watching and we just don’t know it. When you live your truth you live with power. You live with the power to make choices and to take roads less traveled and to blaze a path that perhaps has never been blazed before. When you live your truth you empower not only yourself but you empower other people. Living our truth is the greatest gift we can give.

What is so wonderful about Adam Rippon is that he lives his truth. Maybe if there was an Adam Rippon back in 1988 or 1992 I would have started living my truth much sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have, who knows, but what I know for sure is that we might not all identify with him on the surface, but we all can relate to the power he brings to the conversation about just being you, just being the person you were born to be, just living with the freedom to be who YOU are supposed to be.

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So that brings me to the now. Besides Adam, there is so much GAY out there and it is wonderful. We have the reboot of WILL & GRACE and QUEER EYE! I cry at every single episode of the new Queer Eye.

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These are two shows that changed the conversation back in the late 90s and early 2000s. Our country is in such a different place of acceptance and tolerance now. We do have a long, long way to go but we’re getting there and perhaps these shows helped just a little bit.

You remember this and what a shock it was and then what an, ah ha moment!?!

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And at the Oscars on Sunday, Call Me By Your Name is up for several awards including Best Picture and Best Actor. It’s a movie about love, finding love, and losing love. Yes, the title characters are gay, but they could be anyone really. These are two men who are trying to live their truth while needing to hide it as well. What a beautiful story about love and lust and the agony of loss. These are the normal emotions we all feel.

Finally, on March 16, the move Love, Simon will be released in theatres nationwide. What is that you say, a nationwide released movie about a teenager coming out and finding love? YES, yes it is indeed! This is AMERICA and in 2018 we have movies about Amer-I-CANs living their truth. I wonder what it would have been like if ALL of these amazing, heartwarming, wonderful things in the media and pop culture would have been around in say 1990? How would my life and so many gay American’s lives be different?

“Everyone deserves a great love story, but for 17-year-old Simon Spier, it’s a little more complicated. He hasn’t told his family or friends that he’s gay, and he doesn’t know the identity of the anonymous classmate that he’s fallen for online. Resolving both issues proves hilarious, terrifying and life-changing. ~Love, Simon

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What I know for sure (I love you Oprah) is that I was gay as hell back then and I’m gay as hell now. Almost everything about my interests as a kid and teen SCREAMED, “YOU’RE GAY MATT” but I didn’t have an Adam Rippon to look up to. I didn’t have shows and movies that portrayed anything other than heteronormative families. I was different, and I knew it, but I never felt I could express it to anyone. Sure I played dress up in my house and watched pageants on television and I loved figure skating and thought boys were cute and the list goes on and on. One of these days I should write a blog titled, “The 1000 Signs Matt Was Gay As A Kid”. I mean, honestly, there might be more. I digress, what I love about right now is that Adam Rippon is the first openly gay athlete to qualify for the Winter Olympics, compete in them and WIN a medal. Way to Go Adam! Thank you for living your truth, being gay as hell, and sharing it all with us. We owe you, all of us, big time!!

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Let’s Talk Whitney

Published on August 9, 2017January 30, 2018 by MattLeave a comment

Today would have been Whitney Houston’s 54th birthday.

August 9, 1963 – February 11, 2012

So let’s talk about Whitney and her talent, legacy, and so many gifts she gave to all of us. I recently read an article in Entertainment Weekly with the band The Killers. In the article, lead singer Brandon Flowers talked about one of their new songs, “Tyson vs. Douglas” named for the 1990 boxing match in which then champion Mike Tyson shockingly lost to Buster Douglas. Flowers says the song, “explores what it is like to lose a hero.” I immediately thought about my hero, Whitney Houston.

On January 26, 1987 Whitney became my biggest hero the night she won five American Music Awards and sang her hit “All At Once”.

As an 11 year old boy she stood ten feet tall that night and every night there after. What is so sad to me is that Whitney Houston fell. In the late 90s until she passed away she fell from grace and that is what people remember. Whenever Whitney comes up in conversation (which actually happens all the time around me) people immediately say, “What do you think about Bobby Brown?” “What about the drugs?” You know what, she was SO much more than either of those things and right here, we are going to celebrate “The Voice” as Oprah called her. We are going to celebrate my hero, Whitney Houston.

In the coming weeks Showtime will air a documentary called Whitney Houston: Can I Be Me? I want to explore this, one of her favorite sayings, as we celebrate Whitney. She really was never able to be herself. She was pure pop music and her persona took on a life of its own and her mother and manager marketed her to be WHITNEY HOUSTON, but Whitney Elizabeth Houston was a much different girl.

When Whitney was a young girl growing up in Newark, New Jersey she would go to church and sing. She loved to sing. Whitney was also a model. She was the first African-American to ever grace the cover of Seventeen Magazine. Before Whitney Houston became Whitney Houston, she was way more her than the person we would grow to know and love. There are no wigs. Whitney was a beautiful, natural teenager. She was happy.

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When her first album, Whitney Houston, debuted in 1985 we saw a slicked back haired Whitney on the cover, but soon after the 80s pop princess would be created.

By 1986 and 1987 Whitney was America’s pop princess and her persona as a bubble gum pop beauty was set. This wasn’t necessarily Whitney, but this was WHITNEY HOUSTON.

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I remember when “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” came out in June of 1987 and in the video Whitney had several looks. She has three distinctive looks in that video and I remember wondering about that because in January she had a shorter and full curly style. Then a few months later she had really long curly hair. It blew my mind being a white kid from west Michigan I had no idea what African-Americans did to style their hair. Some process it, some use weaves, and some wear wigs. Whitney wore wigs. I remember asking my mom, “How can she have so many different looks in one video?” And here you have why Whitney used to always say, “Can I be me?” This wasn’t her but it very much was the pop persona created to be Whitney Houston.

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The Voice — Whitney had one of the most amazing vocal instruments of our time. She was one of the most, if not the most, gifted recording artist of our time. The purity, the power, the range make her voice one of a kind. She remains the most awarded artist ever with over 600 awards and her record of seven consecutive number one hits stands to this day (Saving All My Love For You, How Will I Know, The Greatest Love of All, I Wanna Dance with Somebody, Didn’t We Almost Have It All, So Emotional, and Where Do Broken Hearts Go).

If you wonder why she has so many awards to her name, take a listen to the raw vocals for “How Will I Know.”

Awards over the years and Whitney looks.

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Mandatory Credit: Photo by Photoreporters Inc. / Rex Features (142678c) Whitney Houston and mother Cissy AMERICAN MUSIC AWARDS, AMERICA – 1988

From an Entertainment Weekly article about when Mick Jagger to come into Whitney’s studio as she recorded her mega hit, and my favorite, “So Emotional.” Her producer Narada Michael Walden, “Houston headed to New York City to lay down vocals for “So Emotional” at Right Track Studios, and her powerhouse pipes caught the ear of the Rolling Stones frontman. “Mick was recording next door and he had to come in and witness it,” says Walden. “He started jumping around, as he does, and he just couldn’t believe the sound. Whitney was so excited about that.”

Sometimes it isn’t the studio versions or the huge live concert performances that show Whitney’s pure talent. Take a listen to this clip with Paul Shaffer on the show Friday Night Videos from 1986.

It was recently the 30th Anniversary of Whitney Houston’s iconic Whitney album this summer. There were a lot of articles that you probably missed (hahaha, but I didn’t) about this album, like, rating the Whitney album’s 11 songs. Also with the new documentary coming out there have been articles rating her 25 best songs. NPR recently rated her Whitney Houston album as the 14th best album by a female artist out of 150 albums.

‘Whitney’: Ranking every song on Whitney Houston’s seminal 1987 album

The 25 best Whitney Houston songs

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So here are my lists of Whitney songs. We all have our favorites. What are yours?

Top 5 Whitney Pop Hits

I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)
I Will Always Love You
How Will I Know
So Emotional
The Greatest Love of All

My Top 5 Ballads

All the Man That I Need
I Have Nothing
Didn’t We Almost Have It All
You Give Good Love
Where Do Broken Hearts Go

HM. Exhale(Shoop Shoop)

My Top 5 Uptempo Songs

So Emotional
I’m Your Baby Tonight
I Wanna Dance with Somebody(Who Loves Me)
I’m Every Woman
My Love Is Your Love

HM. Million Dollar Bill

My Top 5 Performances

All the Man That I Need – Welcome Home Heroes Concert 1992
Star Spangled Banner – Super Bowl 1991
One Moment In Time – Grammy Awards 1989
I Love You Porgy, And I’m Telling You I’m Not Going, I Have Nothing – American Music Awards 1994
Didn’t We Almost Have It All – Saratoga Spring Concert 1987

HM. Loverman, My Man, All the Man That I Need – Billboard Awards 1991

My Top 5 Favorite Whitney Songs

So Emotional
All the Man That I Need
You Give Good Love
I’m Every Woman
Where You Are

HM. Nobody Loves Me Like You Do

*In future blog posts I hope to explore each of these lists with thoughts and insights and clips.

So here we are celebrating Whitney on her birthday. Whitney was and still is so important to me. People just know and have since I was in elementary school that I am her biggest fan. The night she died, between Facebook and text messages I had well over 150 condolences. I don’t know why but I just connected to her and here is why. The Whitney Houston persona took over her life and led her away from her greatest gift. We lost a legend and I lost a hero the day she died. I will always continue to sing her praises and will always remind people that she was a gift and there was so much more to her than the negative 2000s. She was a performer, a vocalist, a talent like we have never seen before. Whitney was at her prime in this video and it is one of my all time favorite video clips. Enjoy and always remember Whitney the way she should be remembered — for the gift of her voice that she shared with us all.

Celebrating 40: Iconic Album Covers

Published on July 12, 2016July 13, 2016 by MattLeave a comment

A few weeks ago I was gathering songs for the “poolside” playlist on my 40th Birthday Celebration trip to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. My friend Cary and I were messaging back and forth about songs. He sent me a list of every #1 song on my birthday over the past 39 years. There was only one song that I wrote back and said, “I can’t have “The Macarena” on my playlist.” He suggested I use the #2 song from my birthday in 1996, “You’re Makin’ Me High” by Toni Braxton. I said, “Oh, is that the ‘red’ album cover?” “No, that was later in the 2000s.” At that moment, a new blog post started to be created.

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I heard Dick Clark tell Oprah once, “Music is the soundtrack of our life.” For me and many of you, music is just that for you too. I’m a pretty nostalgic person. I get that from my dad. There are so many memories that I have that are related to music. “Drive” by the Cars takes me back to a moment when I was driving home for curfew back in high school. It was summer and my windows were down. I think it was probably 11:45p.m. I will always remember that drive down Westnedge Avenue past Portage Central High School, on my way home. Album cover art also can take us back to times in our lives in an instant. There are many album covers that are on lists of “the best ever”. Perhaps some of my “iconic” covers are the same, but probably not most. My iconic album covers take me back to childhood, the teen years, college, and even the more recent past. Join me down my memory lane.

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1980

One of the first influential artists for me was Barbara Mandrell. I was four or five years old and used to dress up and perform alongside her and her sisters on Saturday nights during their show. A wooden spoon was my microphone, the fireplace hearth was my stage, and the light above was my spotlight. My grandparents took me to two county fairs to see her in concert. I had several of her albums. My favorite was the vinyl of her live concert which she ended with “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” But it was this album that always has stayed in my mind. I LOVED the hot pick and I LOOOOOVED her high heels on the back cover. She was fierce!

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1983

My mom had this cassette tape. I remember getting a new station wagon in 1984 with a tape player in it. It was so exciting to go for rides in that car and get to play this tape. It had so many hits, “Penny Lover”, “Running With the Night”, “All Night Long”, “Hello”, “Stuck On You,”and my absolute favorite, “The Only One.” So many hit songs. Albums don’t produce this many hits now. This is a classic album and I will always remember the white and blue.

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1982

Another early classic in my life, the cassette tape of Olivia Newton-John’s Greatest Hits Volume 2. This WAS basically her 1983 HBO concert that I was obsessed with. Again, I used to find my mother’s clothes and dress up as close as I could to her four costume changes and I would perform over and over again as I watched this concert. “Make a Move On Me”, “Magic”, “Suddenly”, “Physical”, “A Little More Love”, “Heart Attack” and of course, “Xanadu”. You can’t even find this album on iTunes or Spotify. It’s a real shame. I love this entire album! It is too bad that Olivia never had much after about 1984. Could that be because Madonna hit it big?

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1986

Speaking of Madonna, True Blue, is her most iconic album cover to me. The short blonde hair is everything and those thick eyebrows! “Open Your Heart”, “La Isla Bonita”, “Live To Tell”, and “Papa Don’t Preach” are such iconic songs to me. I remember when “Open Your Heart” came out I was 10 years old, roughly the same age as that boy in the video. He was so cute and I definitely noted that in my head. Hmmmm…. I loved that he got to dance around with Madonna too. This was also the album that sparked conversations with my parents about what I was listening to. My parents never made much fuss over my music choices. I guess probably because I was listening to Lionel, Olivia, and Whitney. However, “Papa Don’t Preach” sparked conversations and a somewhat ban on me listening to that song. I don’t think the “ban” stuck very long, I guess a battle they didn’t want to fight. Mostly this album was about “Open Your Heart” for me. It really was my jam as a young gay boy!

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1982

RIO by Duran Duran was totally 80s pop art. This cover WAS 1982 at it’s best and is what I think about when I think about the early 80s. One of my second cousins had this album. He was a bit older than me. His hair style and clothes matched that of the early 80’s Duran Duran. I was so jealous of his style. I love the 80s!

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1982

Another early 80s gem is Vacation by the Go-Go’s. This makes me remember spending long summer days over at the Anderson’s house. I would play dress up and pageants with Melanie and her cousin Pam. I would also get to play with Mel’s Barbie dolls. She was a bit older and so over playing with Barbie, but it was everything to me because I wanted a Barbie so badly. Haha. Anyway, listening to the Go-Go’s and Tears For Fears and watching General Hospital filled those summer days in 1984-85. What great memories!

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1984

1984 was all about Michael Jackson. I think my brother had this cassette tape. The thing I remember most was the baby tiger and Michael on the inside cover. While “Thriller” scared me(Vincent Price laughing), “Billie Jean”, Human Nature” and “PYT” were my favorites. I think Bad was more my time, but this album cover was Michael’s big push away as an iconic solo artist.

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1984

Also in 1984 my brother had this Van Halen album, 1984. I just remember thinking that baby was so naughty and I couldn’t believe my parents let my brother have this tape. However, I’m glad they did because….”Panama”, “Jump”, and “Hot For Teacher”.

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1984

Isn’t it funny and interesting what speaks to people? What stands out to one person is totally different than another person. When I’m asked the age old question, “When did you know you were gay?” I often think about 6th grade as that pivotal time of noticing boys and thinking they were cute. But then I think about this album cover for Born In The USA by Bruce Springsteen. We didn’t have this album in our house but I remember seeing it and thinking, “his butt!” Obviously there is more to this album, “Born in the USA”, “Glory Days”, “I’m On Fire” and “Dancing in the Dark”, but really, it’s that butt!!

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1987

While most people think very fondly of this album, and I admit now, it’s a great album. “Where the Streets Have No Name, “With or Without You” and “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” stand the test of time. I love those songs. Yet, on March 2, 1988 at the 30th Annual Grammy Awards, The Joshua Tree beat Whitney Houston’s Whitney album for Album of the Year and I was SO MAD! Haha, oh to be an outraged 11 year old! Anyway, this is iconic for me because it beat Whitney. How dare they!

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1987

That smile! That hair! This album was and will forever be everything to me! Many people think about Whitney’s debut album with her slicked back hair and that peach toga on, but I really think this fun, bright 80s album cover is an 80s classic. My cousin Tammy got this cassette tape for me for my birthday in 1987. Whitney was 23 years old when she recorded this hit making album. With the release of “I Wanna Dance With Somebody(Who Loves Me)”, “Didn’t We Almost Have It All”, “So Emotional”, and “Where Do Broken Hearts Go” along with three hits from her debut album, Whitney hit a record which still stands today-Seven Consecutive Number One Hits. Mick Jagger was in a studio next to Whitney the day she recorded “So Emotional”. On his way out of the studio he knocked on her door so he could meet the person behind that voice. Mick told Whitney she had an instant hit with “So Emotional” and he was right. It might be some of the non-released songs that are my favorite. The sultry, r&b burner “Just the Lonely Talking Again” and “Where You Are” probably my favorite Whitney song ever. It’s simple with classic 80s saxophone and just her pure 23 year old voice. This is Whitney’s pop sensation and the cover is pure pop perfection!

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1992

That dancing bee!

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1999

I don’t really know why this cover sticks out to me? You? Haha! This IS the TRL Generation for sure. We had boy bands and Britney, but we also had Blink 182 and “What’s My Age Again”.

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1995

Tragic Kingdom and No Doubt was my freshman year at Michigan State. There were a ton of other albums that year too, but for some reason this one sticks in my mind. “Spiderwebs”, “Don’t Speak”, but mostly “The Climb” played over and over again in A416 Bryan Hall. There is so much going on on this cover. The flies, the fruit that looks like chocolate chip cookies, but mostly Gwen!

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1994

“Waterfalls” was everything and this album was everything also my freshman year of college. CrazySexyCool spoke to each of their personas but it’s the red color, the eyes that stand out. “Creep”, “Diggin’ On You”, “Waterfalls” and “Red Light Special” were the hits, but “Sumthin’ Wicked This Way Comes” was on repeat. CrazySexyCool propelled TLC into the r&b stratosphere!

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2013

I have a love/hate relationship with this album cover. It’s iconic because there are very few people who are known by just their first name. Beyoncé is one of those artists. This album was a surprise release and it is one of her best. Yet, is she a little lazy by just making it black and pink? Why so lazy Bey? Or did she do it simply because she can? Regardless, it stands out to me and I remember it because it came at a time in my life that was rocky. I remember going over to my friend Dennis’s apartment and drinking martinis and listening to this album over and over again one cold February night. It was one of those times that you just needed a friend and music.

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1993

May 1993, “That’s the Way Love Goes” was everything to me. I know I use the word “everything” a lot in this post because depending on the time in my life, these albums were everything to me. Janet. came at a time that I was really trying to figure things out about life and high school and all of that stuff. My brother was off to college and his high school relationship had ended. I remember thinking during “Again” that maybe they would get back together. They didn’t and as we know now, that is how life works, but I really thought and hoped they would get back together because of the words in “Again.” Haha, oh youth! This was the controversial album that had a man holding Janet’s breasts on the cover of Rolling Stone. Regardless of that, I absolutely LOVED her short ringlets. I loved them. I loved the sepia tone and the burnt siena “Janet.” This album exudes sex and sexiness – “Throb” and “Any Time Any Place” for a teenager just starting to take note of all of that stuff. And of course, there is the video that every girl and gay man still wants to recreate, “IF”. This album will go down in my history as one of the best.

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So there they are, the album covers that are iconic to me and some of the music that goes along with them. Is it just me or have album covers and album art become less relevant over the years? With iTunes and Apple Music and Spotify, are we really that concerned with the cover art? Do we look at it the same? Do we need it like we used to? Remember walking into the music store and going straight to the poster section? I would always go in and hope for a new Whitney Houston promotional poster. I missed out on her first posters for the Whitney Houston album, and finally this one came out and the Anderson’s got it for me for my birthday. I still have it!

Yet I do wonder, do we view album art like we used to? I don’t think we do because everything is so quick on the internet. Rarely are we going to the music store to buy albums. We used to need to see that artwork and get excited over it. Now we just buy things on the internet in an instant and it’s done. I love that all of these album covers mean something to me and derive memories over time.

As I turn 40 and reflect back on music and the memories it produces I am able to see that for me music is really my spiritual connection with life. Listening to artists interpret songs is nothing short of transformative for me. Music does take me back to times in my life that I want to remember, whether happy or sad, simply because it helps me understand my life better and helps me see how far I have come in the last 40 years.

Celebrating 40: Dancing, Friendship, and Tea Bags

Published on January 28, 2016 by Matt1 Comment

It’s here. The time has finally arrived. In a few months I will celebrate the 40 year mark in life and oh what a life it has been. Just last weekend this idea for a blog came to my mind. Of course my blog is about life and not letting it pass you by and it’s about celebrating the great things that come our way whether big or small. So I didn’t win the Powerball billions, but I sure feel like I have won in many other ways and parts of my life. “Celebrating 40” is going to be sort of like my version of Oprah’s “What I Know For Sure” at least what I think I know, kind of, at the age of 40. What I do know for sure is that I’m glad I’m not 23, friendship is awesome, and I have a life Well Traveled.

Last weekend a couple friends and I jumped in the car and drove to Bloomington, Indiana, because, why not? Two of us had never been there and we had the time and freedom to do it, so why not? A couple of “What I Know For Sure” moments happened very organically which made me want to write this bog. At the end of the night, we found ourselves at the local Bloomington club/gay bar filled with early 20 somethings dancing and it was definitely the place to dance. We walked in to Beyonce, which transitioned to “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” which transitioned to other 80s and 90s pop. None of us even made a move to the bar for a cocktail, we had had enough. All we wanted to do was dance, and dance we did, for 2 hours until 2 a.m. What is so incredible to me is that at first I thought, “these kids weren’t even blips on the reproductive radar when Cyndi was singing ‘Oh daddy dear you know you’re still number one, and girls they want to have fu-uuun, Oh girls just want to have fun,'” but they were out there dancing and so were we. Patrick danced so much it was like he had just walked out of the lake in his clothes. I just kept looking around thinking how fun it was to be dancing, first of all, and then not giving a care in the world what these kids were probably thinking, like, “who are these old people dancing their fool heads off?” #sorrynotsorry #dontcare #im39 #respect I always have been a dancer at a bar with good music, but what is different now is that I don’t have this sense of looking around and wondering what others are thinking(but have I ever really?-Probably not). I was having fun, so it did not matter. Years ago that wouldn’t have been the case. So with age does come some confidence, some assurance, and a sense of not really caring what others think. It was just so much fun. I often do think, more recently, “Thank god I’m not 22.” I had so much fun back then and I’m sure these kids were having fun too, but man, almost 40 is kind of awesome, I must say.

Earlier in the evening I had the great pleasure of spending time with some of my friend Sarah’s friends from her time at Indiana University. What I know for sure is that, if you have really good, unique, cool, interesting, well traveled, experienced friends, they also have really cool friends who they introduce you to and within minutes you’re having deep, philosophical conversations. Well, that might be because one of the friends is a college professor, regardless, there is an ease to really wonderful conversation. There is something really nice about drinking great wine, eating delicious food and connecting with people you have never met before. I guess I don’t really have anything profound to say, more just reflecting that I’ve spent a great many years meeting and spending time with some pretty cool, fascinating, crazy(in all the good ways), and crazy(in all the bad ways)people who have introduced me to cool, fascinating, crazy and crazy other people. So with time I can for sure say, I’m glad I’m not 23 again because I’ve had 16 amazing years meeting all these crazy cool people.

Ok, and then there are those moments when you just bust out laughing and you pee in your pants a little because something is so funny. My mom would say, “That struck me funny.” On Sunday it is safe to say we all needed a few Advil. Whether it was for a headache due to drinking too much or aching muscles due to dancing all night, that doesn’t matter, we had a 4 hour drive ahead of us. When we stopped on the road I got a Starbucks jasmine mint tea. It was delicious. I always use my tea bags twice. Maybe it is a secret single behavior or I’m living in the depression, regardless, you can get two good uses out of tea bags(all you dirty minded people stop right there!). As we were cleaning out the car I said, “I’ll keep this.” It was my cup with my tea bags. Patrick and Sarah questioned. I said, “I like to use them twice and this was particularly delicious.” Without hesitation Sarah says, “Well Patrick and I can chip in to get you a box of tea bags girl!” We laughed and laughed and laughed in the middle of the street. Well girl, I’m not poor, so I don’t need you to buy me tea bags, but what I do need you to do is keep being my friend.

What I know for sure as I Celebrate 40 is that friendships have been the single greatest part of my life. Friendships have gotten me through so many tough times and have made the fun times even better. Good lord who would ever want to be in middle school again? Not me, but having friends made it bearable. Having friends who served you Blue Maui and pineapple juice cocktails freshman year of college, yeah you’re right, that isn’t a friend. I’m lucky that I have friends from as far back as age 4 to new ones as of last weekend who are really incredible, cool people. They make my life experience that much better.

I don’t know where this journey will end
Cause the world keeps calling me
At home people embrace me as a friend
And I’m loving all the energy

Equal Dignity — June 26, 2015

Published on July 22, 2015July 22, 2015 by MattLeave a comment

It’s been 25 days since the Supreme Court of the United States ruled in favor of equal rights and equal dignity for all Americans. Call it Gay Marriage, call it Marriage, call it what it is, a Human Right that is afforded to Americans based on our Constitution. I’ve been meaning to write about this momentous day for a few weeks, but just haven’t had a chance. I also wanted it to settle in and I wanted to feel it. On June 26, 2015 LOVE did win.

We should never let anyone into our hearts if they don’t enter with love. With all the hatred around the SCOTUS decision and the fight over equal rights, “Love Wins” is one of the truest messages. As the late, great Whitney Houston once sang, “Your love is my love and my love is your love.” We all love. We all want to love. We all want to feel love. If two men or two women find love, let it be, please! Who’s to say that your love is more right than my love or my love is more right than your love? Life, this journey, is hard enough, why make it harder by fighting over love? Let love be. Let us move forward allowing everyone to love.

So here’s my perspective as a non-religious gay man, it’s a separation of church and state. Our forefathers wrote that into the constitution for a reason. For so many years I have been arguing the point that I’m not asking to get married in your church. I’m not religious, so I would never get married in a church. If you want to that is wonderful, for you. “Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness” is part of the Constitution(state, “government”), and if my happiness means marrying a man, then I get to do that. Marriage comes in two forms. There is a ceremony(the church if you choose) and there is the license. With the legal part of a marriage license come rights that heterosexual couples have always had. These are the law, not the Bible. These are the state, not the church. No matter what you believe marriage is, one man, one woman…two men or two women…everyone should be given the same legal rights of marriage because we live in America and we all should be afforded the same rights. Now, because SCOTUS ruled in favor, it is the Law of the Land, as it should be, as it always should have been, as it now will be forever more.

Ever since President Obama came out in favor of gay marriage, I felt things would pick up speed, and they sure did. People have differing opinions on when and how Obama “evolved” into believing in the right for gay men and women to marry. He is a politician and our country is so divided that of course he didn’t come out and fully support gay marriage until after he successfully won his second term. Say what you choose, but what matters to me is that he did and I always felt he would, once he was a second term President. When President Obama took office two states recognized gay marriage, seven years later, all 50 states recognize it. I believe that when the leader of the free world came out and supported equal rights, the slope slipped in the right direction. Call it political posturing, or whatever, Obama had to do it the right way and he did. Thank you Mr. President!

Several years ago, my friend’s son wrote a letter to President Obama. He asked the President to pass a law so that I can get married. How wonderful, right? E has known me since the time he was born. He and his sister have grown up in a time that gay men and women have just been part of social media and their personal life. In my opinion, he’s been lucky enough to have several “Guncles” in his life, and we are lucky enough to have him in our lives. This now middle school boy just accepts love as love, couples as couples, people as people. My hope is that his generation is growing up knowing that “love is love”. They are going to be the first generation that doesn’t quite remember the time of marriage vs. gay marriage. He and his generation will know only, MARRIAGE.

Speaking of the younger generation, did you see this 7 year-old girl stand up to a homophobic preacher?

It’s quite wonderful that I was home in Michigan visiting my family the day of the SCOTUS decision. My five and six-year-old nieces’ take on the day’s events, “Can we be your flower girls and wear pretty dresses?” Again, this young generation will not remember a time when marriage was talked about separately. They will only know marriage as a celebration of love. How wonderful is that?

The sidewalk in Bronson Park, Kalamazoo, Michigan-June 26, 2015

So what does this all mean? I think Frank Bruni writes about it best in his article “Our Weddings, Our Worth” from the New York Times. It’s about worth. It’s about EVERY American feeling worthy and feeling noticed and feeling dignified. This blows my mind because it is exactly how I feel when Bruni writes, “And that’s because the Supreme Court’s decision wasn’t simply about weddings. It was about worth. From the highest of this nation’s perches, in the most authoritative of this nation’s voices, a majority of justices told a minority of Americans that they’re normal and that they belong — fully, joyously and with cake.” So what it means is that our young gay men and women can grow up in a time knowing that they belong and that they are normal and that they matter. And for me it means that I can get married and have cake!!

As all of this settles in, there are still haters, some of whom want to lead our country like Ted Cruz who is calling for states not to follow the law. Um, Ted, it’s the law. You have to follow it. Sorry dude! We must push that nonsense away(and not vote these bigots into office)and forge our path to love!! LOVE! While we do that, I would like to share some of my favorite moments and images of June 26th, 2015 and the days following via social media.

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The White House

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Our President 🙂

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Our Next President–Please?

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Police raising the Pride flag at City Hall in Chicago

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Niagara Falls

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What a week in US history

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A lot of work yet to accomplish

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This Instagram post from Bey

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That’s right, what makes being American and living in America so wonderful is that we can all have different opinions and we don’t have to agree on any of them. But, we should always be kind to one another and we all deserve the same rights. In the end, it’s about every American knowing that he matters, that she is worthy, and that we are all dignified. Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote the most beautiful final paragraph in his majority opinion ruling.

No union is more profound than marriage, for it embodies the highest ideals of love, fidelity, devotion, sacrifice, and family. In forming a marital union, two people become something greater than once they were. As some of the petitioners in these cases demonstrate, marriage embodies a love that may endure even past death. It would misunderstand these men and women to say they disrespect the idea of marriage. Their plea is that they do respect it, respect it so deeply that they seek to find its fulfillment for themselves. Their hope is not to be condemned to live in loneliness, excluded from one of civilization’s oldest institutions. They ask for equal dignity in the eyes of the law. The Constitution grants them that right. The judgment of the Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit is reversed.

Now we move forward. Let’s call it marriage. Let’s call it celebrations of love. We’re all equal and we’re all deserving of human rights. We are all deserving of the rights afforded to all Americans. So go ahead, you can just call it MARRIAGE now.

Be In Love With Your Life!

Published on June 10, 2015June 10, 2015 by Matt3 Comments

my toiletry bag, a gift from my boyfriend 🙂 and a constant reminder

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For so many reasons, I’m excited about life right now. My 97-year-old grandmother just celebrated her 80^th high school reunion. And she’s going to meet my boyfriend, for the first time in my life. I’m about to celebrate my 20^th high school reunion. And we’re having lunch with my 4^th grade teacher too and that is just amazing. Summer vacation is upon us and that is just exciting because for six weeks I won’t have to pack my lunch, set my alarm, I can drink lots of “summer water” commonly known as rosé, and I can finally watch Jimmy Falon! Annnnnnnnd The Supreme Court of the United States is about to rule on equality, gay marriage, and that is reaaaallllly cool! Life is exciting ya’ll!

So get this, my grandmother is 97 years old!!! She is truly amazing. Back in the day, she and my grandfather got me my first pair of cowboy boots and my first microphone. They took me to two county fairs to see Barbara Mandrell perform and she introduced me to Regis and Kathie Lee back during a summer visit in 1990. When I was a teen my grandmother and I would sit on the porch in Fostoria, MI, looking at the big red barn and the corn fields and we would talk about her ”story”, Days of Our Lives. I watched too and had a lot to say. Patch and Kayla’s wedding, when Kayla got her hearing back? Forget about it. The “Cruise of Deception,” that was entertaining. Stefano? Marlena? Duke who really wasn’t Duke because he was John Black? Jack and Jennifer? Bo and Hope? All of it and the juicy details were discussed on that porch. I was about 13 and she was about 73. It was a 60-year difference, but we were on the same page. Anyway, the point is, my grandmother is really cool. And why is this exciting? It’s exciting because in a couple of weeks I’m going to introduce my grandmother to my boyfriend!

You see, several years ago, at a very different time in my life, and for many reasons, I wasn’t allowed to tell my grandfather that I’m gay. Since that time, he passed away. Whether he “knew” I was gay or not probably doesn’t matter. Would he have understood? Would he have thought of me differently, who knows? What I can’t let happen is for my grandmother to not know me as a completely happy man, living a very lovely life. I have led a past of academic challenges that I overcame. Grandma and Grandpa are forever grateful for that. I have led a very successful life living and working in Chicago for 15 years. Grandma is so very happy for that. But ultimately, grandparents want their grandchildren to be happy. I want Grandma Bea to know that I have a great life and that I am very, very happy and that I am loved. I think she’ll be cool with that.

Good lord, where did 20 years go? Is it possible that I graduated from high school TWENTY YEARS ago? I’m excited to see what a 20-year high school reunion looks like. In the small town that my grandmother grew up in, they celebrate reunions yearly at the Alumni Banquet. It is one of my grandmother’s favorite things to do, to attend that banquet yearly. Now she has celebrated EIGHTY of them. EIGHTY people! My 20 years certainly pales in comparison, but I’m still excited. Who is going to be there? Will some of my childhood friends come? Will my high school crush still be as cute as he was back then? Will my boyfriend fall in love with Portage, MI? Ok, ok, let’s not get all crazy here. I do hope that some of the people who were important to me back then are there. I want them to know who I have become and I want to know who they have become. I believe it is an important life event, to celebrate 20 years since graduating high school. At that time, it was the most significant thing that had happened to most of us. Now, 20 years later, most of us, hopefully, have a lot more to share. It’s just exciting to me. Oh, and I can’t wait to take my boyfriend on the tour of Portage. Lake Center Elementary (now demolished and rebuilt), Portage Central Middle School, Portage Central High School (now demolished and rebuilt), Westnedge Ave., TCBY where I spent a lot of time loitering, and of course Lloy St. where I proudly grew up as one of the “Lloy Boys.” There are so many parts of my life back then that were great and should be celebrated. I really can’t wait!

Did I mention, we are having lunch with my favorite teacher of all time, my 4^th grade teacher. How many of you are still in touch with YOUR 4^th grade teacher? Mrs. Greene was an amazing inspiration in my life. Here’s the thing, every summer, about a week after school let out we would get our grade report. It was on carbon copy paper and was handwritten. Each year we would wait with excited anticipation with the answer, “Who would be our next teacher?” Moving from 3^rd to 4^th grade, I have to be honest, everyone wanted Mr. Root. He was the newer, young and fun 4^th grade teacher. I remember getting that report card in the mail on a warm, sunny June afternoon in 1986. I didn’t get Mr. Root and I was so disappointed. However, what a shortsighted almost 4^th grader didn’t know then, that he knows now, is that he was very lucky because Mrs. Greene would change his life.

Let me start with this bright red skirt suit that Mrs. Greene wore. She was the best dresser I had ever seen. Obviously as I have grown, fashion has become important to me. Well, let’s get real, even back then, my 4^th grade picture is of me in suspenders that my Aunt bought for me. But Mrs. Green was always dressed to the nines, as a teacher. She always looked great and honestly, there are days I get dressed, when I don’t necessarily care if I look nice, and I think of her presence in that 4^th grade classroom and how it has stuck with me some 28 years later. Mrs. Greene was also just a powerful, strong presence in the classroom. When I was a teacher, I feel that I modeled my classroom presence after her. No-nonsense yet caring, Mrs. Greene had a way of teaching us so many life lessons on a daily basis. One day, I will never forget, is the day Mrs. Greene’s life changed.

Our principal, another strong female role model, came into our classroom. She pulled Mrs. Greene out into the hallway. Soon after they both came back in and Mrs. Greene quickly gathered her things and left the classroom. Our student teacher at the time, Ms. L(I can’t quite remember her last name) took charge of the room. Mrs. Greene’s husband had suffered a heart attack. She was gone for about two weeks as she helped him recover. I remember missing her so much during those two weeks. Back then I probably didn’t quite understand that my teacher also had a life outside of school and that things happen in life. But I distinctively remember her being gone and me missing her as my teacher. Shortly after the two weeks Mrs. Greene was back. Her first day back, what did she wear, the red suit! Over the years I have stayed in touch with Mrs. Greene. In fact, when I was a senior in high school I would go to her classroom and work with her and her students. I always say, “I knew I wanted to be a teacher since 4^th grade.” I’m pretty sure it was because I wanted to dress as great as Mrs. Greene.

As I consider the excitement in the air this June, I can’t help but write about the most important decision the Supreme Court of the United States has ever made, concerning me personally, in my life. This month, SCOTUS will rule on gay marriage and if gay people nation wide should have the right to marry. Certainly, I hope, most of the people in my life believe that I should have the same rights as they do. My home state of Illinois allows me the right to marry, but still, too many other states in the United States do not allow gay people to marry. Some people might argue, just get married in a state that allows it, or move to a state that allows it. Years ago I used to think that State’s Rights was fine and that individual states could make their own decisions. Back then it didn’t matter to me because I lived in a very Democratic state. If I get married in Illinois and live here, it doesn’t matter. But, hold on a second, that isn’t fair. If I get married in Illinois, a state that recognizes gay marriage, but move back to Michigan, a state that doesn’t, it won’t be recognized. That isn’t fair. My straight counterparts in the United States can get married anywhere and move anywhere and it is still recognized. So now, the Supreme Court will rule on this matter by the end of the month. For obvious reasons, this is an important issue to me, but for historical reasons, the fact that the decision will come in June is really exciting.

I guess it goes without saying that I’m excited because I think the Supreme Court is going to rule on the right side of history. They might not, but fingers crossed, I hope they do. Why it’s exciting that June is the month is because Pride is celebrated across the nation each year the last weekend of June. Back on June 28^th, 1969 the gay community of New York City took to the streets in a violent protest against the police raid that took place the early hours of that day. The Stonewall Riots started the slow change that has rapidly picked up speed in the last few years. The Stonewall Inn in Greenwich Village was known to be a place for the most dismissed people of the gay community. On June 28, 1969 the gay community took part in what is considered the most important event leading toward gay liberation and the fight for LGBT rights in the United States. So what will SCOTUS rule? I guess we don’t know, but we can hope that they will rule in favor of equal rights for all people in the United States. I’m excited and hopeful to hear their ruling!

Excited about life…right now…I am. I’ve certainly learned that life evolves and changes, but what we have to do is enjoy the moment. Life ebbs and flows. There are happy times and sad times, bright times and dark times. Everyone goes through those ups and downs in life, but what I try to remember is that when you’re down, as Oprah has said, “the sun will rise tomorrow.” The sun always rises. And when you are in one of your up cycles, enjoy the hell out of it. Relish those moments. Recognize how it feels to wake up in the morning and get your day started. Soak in those high on life feelings, because inevitably, the down will come back, it will be more difficult to get out of bed and you have to work much harder to choose your attitude. If we can just remember when we are in a down, it will get better. The sun will rise tomorrow.

Right now I’m excited and I’m going to enjoy the hell out of this feeling. This summer I’m going to enjoy time with friends and family, my 97-year-old grandmother and my 4^th grade teacher. I’m going to enjoy the man I love and the life we have together. I’m going to hope for a great ruling on equality from the Supreme Court. I’m going to enjoy sleeping in and not packing my lunch and staying up late. I’m going to enjoy going back home for my 20^th reunion and all it has to offer. I’m going to enjoy a bottle or two of rosé. I’m going to enjoy the moments I have in life with those I love. As we know all too well, life is short so we have to seize the moment, enjoy what we love, and who we love and Say YES to Life!

Oscar Review 2015

Published on February 23, 2015February 23, 2015 by MattLeave a comment

Was something amiss? I was so excited for Neil Patrick Harris to host the 87th Academy Awards presentation, however, shortly after his fun opening number, I immediately missed the comedy of Ellen! There was star power, but where were the legends? Nicholson, Spielberg, Angelina’s leg, Hopkins, Pharrell’s hat, Hans Solo, Benifer, Streisand? Jennifer Lopez found a way to get invited, again. There was fashion. Adam Levine’s wife was there, Emma Stone looked gorgeous. Oprah was there. There were movies, but I think the show missed something. I’ve got it—Adela Dazeem!

The Red Carpet

Miles Teller and Keleigh Sperry, who? Adrien Brody and Carmen Electra?

I thought I had a Bjork sighting, but far too few feathers to be her.

America Fererra or Jordan Sparks? Go!

will.i.am. – The ruling on the field, fumble!

Shaun Robinson a few award shows too late. Yellow was Golden Globes.

Meryl Streep dressed to impress at her next job interview.

Ahhhhhhhhh *RBF* that’s how I feel about you too Scar Jo.

She finally got rid of that slug of a husband. Just kidding, as long as he is in “Filming Magic Mike” shape.

Solange Knowles in a straight jacket as to prevent her from going ape shit and beating someone.

Is Zendaya one of Madonna’s kids or a Jolie-Pitt?

I want Diane Warren’s jacket. I do!

Who said stars don’t wash their own dishes?

Her Kentucky Derby hat fell off, but her shoulder caught it.

Then things got real weird, especially when Travolta got handsy with Scar Jo and called her, SsssssseeI’mNotAHomo.

I don’t know, I feel like it’s trying to be Laura Ingalls Wilder goes to the Oscars.

J. Lo will have her murdered after the show.

Faith Hill needs to go back to the blonde bob. Her dress isn’t awful but reminds me of a 1980’s Barbara Mandrell and the Mandrell Sisters dress.

The Men

David Oyelowo in maroon.

Jared Leto in blue.

Batman in black.

Strahan in grey.

NPH in Light Grey. David Bertka in white and black

Best Dressed Man

Eddie Redmayne in navy!

Other hot men

Bradley Cooper

Common

Chris Pine

Chris Evans

Well hello there Uncle Jesse.

The Couples

HOT

Kelly and Michael

Justin Theroux and Jen Aniston

Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum

Kevin Hart and his lady. He may be short, but he’s packin’ – Whoa!!!

Chris Pratt and Anna Feris

Chrissy Teigan and John Legend

Behati Prinsloo and Adam Levine

NOT

Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman

Faith Hill and Tim McGraw – Too skinny Tim! Too matronly Faith.

Who the fu** invited him back?

Best Dressed

EMMA STONE

Emma Stone

2. Behati Prinsloo

3. Chrissy Teigan (and Angelina’s leg)

4. Anna Kendrick

5. Jennifer Aniston

6. Rosamund Pike

7. Reese Witherspoon

8. Cate Blanchet

9. Kerry Washington

10. Margot Robbie

Honorable Mention – Jennifer Hudson-what a difference 8 years and thousands of dollars and a stylist makes!

Hated It

Laura Dern – “Full Metal” Strapless

Marion Cotillard – potato sack couture

Oh shoot, Oprah really cut the budget on Gayle’s dress this year.

Nicole Kidman in Shrinky Dink Chic.

Viola-tion Davis

It just gets worse. Have the damn baby already.

Nope, not Helena Bonham Carter’s daughter.

Jessica Chastain usually shows up. Too much draping.

Felicity, oh Felicity, this is not the remake of a Disney princess movie, it’s the Oscars.

The Show

Did anyone else get chills during the opening segment when Anna Kendrick came in and harmonized with NPH? Or did you have a flashback to the 80’s and Rob Lowe’s infamous song and dance with Snow White?

I love that Lupita Nyong’o’s brother is sitting next to Jack Black! Remember him basically boxing his sister out of the famous selfie from last year?

They said there will be more African Americans at this years Oscars than ever. Who thought, “Let’s get Eddie Murphy?”

Documentary Short winner is a cat’s fuzzy ball dream.

Just when you thought nothing could be worse than the dancing banana in Katie Perry’s Super Bowl Halftime Show, “Everything Is Awesome” happened at the Oscars.

NPH in tighty whiteies? He’s invited back next year!

Oh look, it’s Patricia Arquette reading from a piece of paper, at a microphone, holding an award…..again. We all knew you were going to win, including you, memorize, you’re an actress!

Jennifer Hudson’s power number, “Can’t Let Go”, from the tv show SMASH was a little much after the death montage, but he looked stunning!!

She HATES him!

“Why are you touching my face?”

“Why is he still touching my face?”

“I hate him.”

“Benedict Cumberbatch, it’s not only the most awesome name in show business, it’s also the sound you get when you ask John Travolta to announce Ben Affleck.”

Was it me or did Steve Carell have several doppelgängers in the audience? Patricia Arquette’s man, the dude behind John Legend when he won….

The new Ben and Matt…..Common and John.

Bradley Cooper’s mother ain’t got time for that(standing ovation)!

John Legend and Common are hot! That’s all.

Gaga killed it!! Effortless. Stunning! Then Maria! Stop it!!!

Oh man, that young man, Graham Moore, wow how personal and inspirational. And yes, thank you Oprah! And then Uncle Jesse standing and clapping with a proud look. Tears. “Stay weird. Stay different.”

John Travolta is still touching Idena Menzel’s face backstage.

The Academy agreed with me, Boyhood was Boring. As. Hell.

Feeling bad for Michael, but excited for Eddie(so genuinely excited and surprised!!) and Julianne(finally! deserving!) and Birdman. I love NPH, but not his best effort tonight. I guess I’ll leave it at this because she makes everything better.

And the Winners of the 2015 Academy Awards

You Are Not Alone

Published on November 17, 2014November 18, 2014 by Matt1 Comment

I was recently in a training and I have no idea why, but the phrase You Are Not Alone came to mind. It’s a mystery where this came from. You might instantly think about the Michael Jackson song from HIStory or that creepy video with then wife, Lisa Marie Presley. Or more seriously, you might think about times you are alone or feel alone. Feeling alone, loneliness, are they the same? Different? I myself am someone who needs very little alone time. An hour or two a week is fine by me. I don’t often feel the need of taking a break from others. This might be why, during a break-up, I felt so lonely. Or did I feel alone? What I did then for myself and what I see now, well over a year later, is that we are never alone. You Are NOT Alone.

By the encouragement of my friend Jeremy, during the summer of 2013, I started taking myself to brunch after Saturday morning long runs. This turned into an almost weekly venture during last year’s horrendous winter. During those times, going home and being at home was not a happy place for me. I did not want to be there, so I would take my Entertainment Weekly magazine to one of my favorite brunch spots, typically Taste of Heaven or Nookies, and I would boldly say, “Table for one” or “Just me today” and I would sit, by myself. However, I was never alone. I had my magazine and my coffee, things that bring happiness to me. I had the wait staff who grew to recognize me. One time my waiter even bought me breakfast. Taste of Heaven became my place, “where everybody knows your name.” Most of all, I had all the other people in the restaurant with me. Some would be laughing with friends and others, like me, were simply enjoying something they loved: food, coffee, reading, etc. I learned that being “alone” does not mean you are alone or lonely. I grew to love those Saturday morning dates with myself, my coffee, my magazine, and my other brunch lovers. It was something that put me out into the Universe to say, here I am. It’s me, Matty, and I’m living my life. If someone wants to join me, that would be lovely, but I can do this on my own too. I am not alone.

All during this enlightening time of my life I also started a daily event, meditation. Deepak Chopra and Oprah have a meditation series that is free for 21 days, then you can buy it. I believe they have about five in their series. On my birthday in 2013 the first of these meditation series began. I fell in love with the practice of meditation. Getting up at 5:30 a.m. weekdays was an all new experience. Some of the meditations were great and super meaningful, while others did not connect with me as much. But I loved the routine and the waking to about 30 minutes of quiet time before I would get out of bed. To this day I still try to meditate, though I do not do it nearly as often as I would like. It is another one of those things that I believe awakened me to the spirituality of the Universe. Here I am. It’s me, Matty, and I’m living my life. Recently in this series of meditations, Energy of Attraction, Oprah said, “Like attracts like. You attract who you are. Change your energy and you can change your entire experience of the world. Change your intention and you change your path.” I honestly believe that during that dark period of my life, finding something like meditation to connect me with the Universe was a changing force in my life. It gave me structure, which I desperately needed in order to put one foot in front of the other. It also gave me hope; hope that the Universe would see me out there trying and would feel my energy.

“You always have a place here, on your mat.”

On a particularly rough day last fall I remember getting the text from my friend Sarah that said, “You always have a place here, on your mat.” Her yoga instructor said that quote at the end of practice. It now always means something to me. I picked up the practice of yoga about a year and a half ago. Some nights, during the hellish winter of 2014, I would take a 4:30 Sculpt class and a 6:00 CorePower 2 class. Part of the reason was that it was always 80 or more degrees warmer in the studio than outside. The other part was that I did not want to be home. I did everything in my power to not be home alone. If I wasn’t out with friends for dinner I would go to yoga and just stay. My yoga mat is such a safe place for me. I am now in a much different place in life, but I keep my yoga practice going. I actually missed yoga during the 2014 marathon training season. I love that I am back to nearly daily practice. For me, yoga is an intense workout, but it is also spiritual, a time for me to find strength in myself. It is a time to find space between me and my day, me and the outside world. It is a time for me on my mat. I never feel alone with yoga because in my mind it connects me with the Universe. It puts my energy out there for all to feel. Here I am. It’s me, Matty, and I’m living my life. Just remember that your time on your mat is for you. You are never alone because you have yourself!

“And I’ve learned

That we must look inside our hearts

To find a world full of love”

What does lonely feel like? What does feeling alone feel like? How does feeling alone in an empty room differ from feeling alone in a room full of people? What I know for sure is that it feels all different for all of us. I am grateful to have learned even a little bit about looking inside my heart and knowing the difference for me between feeling alone and feeling lonely. However you are feeling, take the steps to get out there. Say YES! to Life. Do things that make you happy like yoga or meditation or taking yourself to brunch. Watch Whitney Houston videos, like me. Go watch a great film. Go sit at a bar, grab a drink and chat with the bartender or chat with other people sitting there. You are not alone. You are never alone, but you might have to take a risk once and a while to put yourself out there. Put your energy out in the Universe and I promise you this, it will come back in return. That I know for sure!

You might also like my blog post, “Single? You Don’t Have to Be Alone”:

https://sayyestolifeblog.wordpress.com/2014/05/26/single-you-dont-have-to-be-alone/

Shoop Shoop Be Doop

Published on May 16, 2014May 31, 2014 by Matt2 Comments

This week marks one year since my ex boyfriend told me he was taking a job in NYC. My heart was shattered into a million different pieces that day. The subsequent months were filled with tears, sadness, and despair. I fell into the darkest period of my life. Had it not been for amazing friends, who kept me busy and got me out of my apartment, co-workers who cared to ask how I was doing and people I pretty much just met who listened, I would not be standing here today, the pieced back together and much stronger man that I am. In there too was an amazing trip to Africa, which would come to be the last with my wonderful friend and travel companion, Lesley, along with Cary and Charlie, who experienced with me the transformative experience in the wilds of Africa. Along with all of those things, what I know now is that people you don’t expect, come out of the woodwork to support you, that new friendships have blossomed, and that my own strength and courage helped me put one foot in front of the other each day. I have experienced physical pain, remember the collarbone/blood clot incident of 2006 or the broken hand this past July? What I learned through this experience is that physical pain ain’t got nothin’ on emotional trauma. A pill can take away physical pain, but difficult, emotional work, and time, must be the only thing that makes us better and helps us through emotional pain. I recognize that I am not the first broken hearted man, listen to most music and you’ll see, but it’s people who have been heart broken who shine through like beacons of light during the darkest times. What this experience has afforded me is the strength to move on, to grow, to learn, to be, to feel, to experience, all the lows and highs of life. If we never experience sadness or disappointment, can we truly know how happiness feels? If we never experience a broken heart, can we truly know what love is supposed to feel like? I will never love in the same way again, he was my first love, but I will love again, in a much different way. That, I know for sure.

“and maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on.”

I have struggled with moving on and letting go. Not even the stellar song by Adela Dazeem (Idena Menzel) “Let It Go” from Frozen could get me out of my funk. I recently read a post from http://www.Tinybudda.com called “Finally Letting Go of the Pain and Moving on from the Break-up” by JR Hughes. In it was a description of how I’ve felt for the past year, “For the year after the break-up I got on okay with life, but the shine had gone. A veil hung between me and true engagement with the world. I could smile but the smile never went to my eyes.” Oh my god, that is me, I thought, or sang rather, “The past is in the past. Let it go. Let it go.” It is time to lift the veil and bring my smile back to my eyes. It is time to move the F on. I’m an amazing, wonderful man with so many great talents and passions to share. I’m missing out on finding a new, great, wonderful man to share many adventures with, and my love. I need to Say YES to Life! I have to make the decision that this is over. This is done. And I have done that.

When I recently found out my ex has moved on, like leaving me for a job in NYC wasn’t enough to tell me he moved on Matt, I found out he is dating someone new. The news hit hard, for a day or two, then I was fine. Last week I was completing the final days of Deepak Chopra and Oprah’s 21-Day meditation free series. That particular day, 51 weeks after the break-up, was themed, “Expressing Wisdom.” I WILL buy this series, if only for Day 20 and Oprah’s 2 minute message at the beginning. It is no secret that I think Oprah is pretty amazing. What she says rang so, SO true to me today.

“I call it my sunrise faith, because as long as we’re on this planet, the sun always rises. That is a truth we can count on, regardless how many shifts and twists and turns we experience in our lives, The Sun will rise tomorrow. The true nature of the Universe is just like the sunrise. It is always there. It is always True, with a capital T. We too are each in our truest selves, a part of the greater capital T, Truth. What I know for sure, is the more closely we connect to the Source, capital S, of every truth, the more wondrous and full our life experience will be. What is our true self? We feel it when we’re lost in moments of doing something we love, or connecting with someone we love, or in those Ah Ha moments of light and insight. We feel it in the essence of connection. We feel it in the quiet, steady power of the sunrise.”

What I know for sure (thank you Oprah) is that, no matter how dark the days were over the past 365 days, the sun always rose. No matter how many twists, turns, and shifts my journey took in the past 365 days, the sun always rose. No matter what happens in a day, good or bad, as long as we make it to the end of that day, the sun is going to rise tomorrow. With this realization and acceptance came power for me. It is the power of choice. #100happydays http://www.100happydays.com allowed me to learn that happiness some days is a choice. Some days I am just happy, I feel good, but others it is a conscious effort. And those are the days that I get to the end, crawl into bed and say, “whew, I made it. The sun will rise tomorrow.”

When people leave you, it just means they weren’t the right one to stay. You just have to sing, “Shoop, shoop, be doop” from Waiting to Exhale, by my beloved Whitney. “Everyone falls in love sometime. Sometimes it’s wrong, sometimes it’s right. For every win, someone must fail. But there comes a point when, when we exhale. Yeah yeah yeah, say Shoop shoop shoop shoop be doop.” It’s the Universe’s way of saying, he isn’t right for you, I’m throwing a curve in the plan and steering you in a different direction. I’ve learned to take that curve, accept it, and am choosing to Say YES to Life!

	I Am Gay: Live Your… on “I’m Gay”
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	Never the Same Love… on Wrapped In Love

MY CLOSET

Love, Simon

***

Find Your Truth.

Speak Your Truth.

Live Your Truth.

And then there is this one!

The Bittersweet Beauty of Adam Rippon

I don’t know where this journey will end Cause the world keeps calling me At home people embrace me as a friend And I’m loving all the energy

The Red Carpet

The Men

Best Dressed Man

Other hot men

The Couples

HOT

NOT

Best Dressed

Hated It

The Show

“You always have a place here, on your mat.”

“And I’ve learned

That we must look inside our hearts

To find a world full of love”

*******

**And then there is this one!**

I don’t know where this journey will end
Cause the world keeps calling me
At home people embrace me as a friend
And I’m loving all the energy